Veteran Senator Barney Frank announced yesterday that a recent stint in Holy Cross Hospital was not due to any heart related issue as was reported in the press, but that he did receive a pneumatically operated penile implant instead.
Long time Vigara user and aging politician was originally reluctant to discuss the real reason for his outpatient surgery, but ultimately embraced the truth for the benefit of his career and to keep an open line of communication to his constituents. "You can't lie to the voters", says Frank's aide Manny Pulayshun. "Well, I guess you CAN lie, but Senator Frank decided it was better if they thought of him as a virile man still looking to lay down the lumber, as opposed to a frail politician with a bad ticker."
Insiders at Holy Cross tell reporters that Senator Frank had more than one procedure performed during his stay, suggesting that "Little Johnny and the Twins both saw some cosmetic improvement". Eager to get the details on that story, reporters confronted Frank on the steps of Congress this morning. "Alright, alright", Frank held out his palm to calm down the throng that had surrounded him. "Little Frank got an upgrade, and the Beans received a much needed tuck. It's more comfortable to walk around now without all that flopping and sticking."
With Frank's Frank and Beans now neatly packaged, his constituents wonder if that will lead to better leadership on the hill. "I don't know about that", says Pulayshun, "But the man will be on demand, as long as there is demand from now on. I wish I could snap my fingers and summon a permanent boner."
Actually, Pulayshun can, for a mere $13,000 and 6 hours in outpatient surgery. In a related story, Frank's campaign manager is already planning to modify the slogans for Frank's upcoming re-election campaign. Posters were seen around the campaign offices declaring, "Pump it Up With Frank".
