U2 'Vertigo' tour canceled by Department of Homeland Security

Funny story written by Chief Cheese

Friday, 1 April 2005

image for U2 'Vertigo' tour canceled by Department of Homeland Security
Michael Chertoff

Washington-Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced today the cancelation of the 'Vertigo' Tour by the band U2. "Credible evidence, from classified sources, leads us to believe that these four foreign nationals, calling themselves 'U2' were in fact in the country for purposes of gathering together large groups of American citizens, and in so doing, threatening them with grievous harm," said Chertoff. The announcement was made during a press conference held at the Pentagon.

Mr. Chertoff went on. "Beginning around the first of March, our sources from around the world, and particularly in Ireland, England, and the U.S. began noticing an increased level of chatter regarding a group of Irish terrorists headed to the U.S. The raw information gathered was analyzed by the intelligence community, who were especially concerned when the term ‘atomic bomb' continued to come up again and again in cell-phone calls, e-mails, and the like."

It is well-known fact that the U.S. has fewer than 5000 spies operating around the world, but more than 30,000 evesdroppers. The National Security Agency employs more mathematicians than any other organization in the world. Every three hours, the NSA spy satellites gather enough information to fill the library of Congress.

"Even with the best information gathering capability that the best minds in Washington can conceive, we were still not able to grasp that tiny, last little bit of information that we needed to really put the hammer down on these dangerous terrorists," Chertoff said. "It wasn't until March 28th that word came in from our covert sources in San Diego, California, that U2 had made an appearance there, incredibly, drawing together 14,000 innocent citizens.

"The President was alerted, and authorized the immediate arrest of all four terrorists."

Newly installed CIA Director Porter Goss and other senior American intelligence and military officials warned last month that terrorists were preparing for new strikes against the fatherland. Goss spoke at the press conference after Chertoff . "'U2' was in the US ostensibly to play a ‘tour'" said Goss. "They have been vigorously promoting a new ‘album' called ‘How to dismantle an Atomic Bomb' and this caused great consternation throughout our intelligence sect," said Goss. "Even though weapons of mass destruction were specifically mentioned, the President opted not to raise the threat level from its present state of yellow."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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