Washington D.C., Monday 21 March - (Mess Association) An irate President George Bush Jr intrerrupted his latest holiday last night to fly back to Washington in order to intervene in the raging Vernal Equinox storm regarding the ancient rights of Druids to perform their annual ceremonies to the Goddess of the Hunt Princess Diana.
Citing long-held constitutional entitlements and historical priviledges enshrined in the Ten Commandments, the Seven Sacraments and the Five Pillars of Wisdom, the President said: "The Rite to Di is a basic, fundamental solstice-style quasi-religious ceremony marking the end of the Lying in Winter and the official start of the humbug season in politics.
"As such, it is vital that Congress intervenes in the current mess and makes a decision whether we can pull the plug on this controversy or whether we can make some cheap and effective political capital that will send the Republican party soaring in the ratings war.
"After the barrage of abuse I have personally endured following the appointment of Deputy Defense Secretary Paul "Big Bad Wolf" Wolfowitz to the post of CEO of the World Bank for Deconstruction and Embezzlement, it is vital that the sound bites and headlines now show me and the rest of my government in the best possible compassionate light.
"In addition, my good friend Tony "The Poodle" Blair is also in need of some compassionate brownie points now that a General Election is imminent in the United Kingdom and his former financial backers the Provos have lost the vital £26 million from the December heist at the Falls Road branch of the Riggs Bank in Belfast last year that was going to bankroll him back to office.
"So folks, I say to you today: Would stopping the performance of the annual Rite to Di ceremony on Capitol Hill bring down the wrath of the Gods upon Us and herald a return to Democracy as we used to know it? Or is the Rite to Di such a basic, fundamental human right that interferring in it would only cause negative publicity and a slump in the next round of the opinion polls war?"....
Meanwhile a Downing Street spokesman has confirmed that the real 'Rite to Di' ritual performed in London's Tower Hill yesterday was aimed at placating St Judas - Patron Saint of Fraudsters and Embezzlers - and his Global No 1 Protogee General Augusto Pinochet. "Out thoughts and prayers are with him this Holy Week."