Census Worker Becomes Addicted to Crack-Sues Government

Funny story written by Mike Monpas

Sunday, 6 June 2010


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It was bad enough that Steven Jackson lost his job one year ago as a Wall Street floor trader. Then things went from bad to worse. Following a series of failed attempts to obtain employment, Steven was forced to take a job with the US Government as a Census worker. This is when his personal life went from terrible to complete ruin.

"I can't believe it happened to me," said Jackson. "But it's true, I am nothing more than a god damn washed up crack head these days. I can't go five minutes without taking a hit of the crap."

His addiction began on the first day of his new job as an eight dollar per hour Census Taker when he went into a back alley of the Bronx to count a group of men that seemed to be loitering near a dumpster.

"All I was doing was my job, and that's when it happened. I walked up to these guys to take their names and addresses, and the next thing I knew, one of them handed me a crack pipe made out of an old baby food jar. I was curious to find out what makes these guys tick, so I took a hit. Now I can't stop."

Eight dollars per hour doesn't go very far for a crack addict. That's when Mr. Jackson took up a second job as a crack dealer. However, unable to control his habit, he now owes nearly one hundred thousand dollars to his business partner, Louie Gottalini. At an interest rate of twenty percent per week, Mr. Jackson is desperate and running out of time.

"Man, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. Louie isn't the kind of guy you want to fuck with. If I don't win my lawsuit against the Feds, then I'm finished. I never asked for any of this. I just can't believe the Government put me in that situation to begin with."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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