It emerged today that Prince William, has secretly spent the last week in a crack den to better understand the effects of the notorious drug, crack-cocaine. Stumbling out of a squat in Brixton, South West London, the second in line to the throne looked bleary eyed and gaunt as he faced the gathered press who had been anonymously tipped off by his press officer.
Dressed in a bin liner and clutching onto his private secretary, Graham Harvey-Smythe, who has accompanied him during his stay, William said: 'Who are these people? Where the fuck am I?' before asking one of the photographers closest to him if he had 'any spare change for a cup of tea.'
As the Prince was handed over some loose change, he was asked if his experience had helped him understand the dangerous and ruinous nature of crack: 'Look you just don't understand yah? I'm not an addict yah? I just do a little to get by, help me through the day.' When interrupted by his press officer who began explaining the 'unique insight this experience has afforded His Royal Highness in understanding some of his future subject's woes,' the Prince launched a sudden and vicious attack on him, knocking out several teeth in the process with an iron bar handed to him by his private secretary, before rifling through his pockets and removing his watch.
After the commotion subsided, William asked one of the gathered reporters if he could 'borrow' his mobile and was overheard speaking to a man named 'Troy,' asking him if he could 'drop round a 20 bag in the next half-an-hour.'
Refusing to answer any further questions, William walked back towards the squat, pausing for a moment to give a two-fingered gesture, before slamming the door shut behind him.
When Clarence House was contacted to ask how long William intended to remain in Brixton, they said they could not give an 'exact timeframe' on his departure, but released this official statement: 'Prince William has decided that the issue at hand is a lot more complex than previously envisaged and feels that to fully understand the ramifications and effects of crack-cocaine, he will need to spend a further period in residence in Brixton.'
A man living next door to the squat who refused to give his name said: 'That William's a bloody nightmare. Since he's been here, I can't even leave my windows open. The other crack-heads are a fucking nuisance, but that man's had military training. The other night he made off with my microwave and I live on the fifth floor.'