Written by Phil Maggitti

Tuesday, 22 February 2005

image for Hunter Thompson Suicide Note Found
Soon to be a major motion picture.

ASPEN - Hunter S. Thompson, who fatally shot himself at his Colorado home Sunday night, left behind a 352-page suicide note, say Aspen police. According to the note, which will be published in book form by Rolling Stone early next week, Thompson's suicide was prompted at least in part by the appearance of his phone number on the Internet after Paris Hilton's Sidekick had been hacked.

"That king-hell, soul-sucking, cellulite-brained sleazoid Paris Hilton has sucked me into the maw of her eyeball-frying power trip," wrote Thompson. "Now every two-bit geek of an editor I ever kept waiting up past his bedtime on a deadline is ringing me as if I'm the local Domino's Pizza just to give me one of the few remaining pieces of his or her mind."

The invasion of his treasured privacy wasn't the only thing that drove Thompson to despair. He apparently made-and lost-a large bet with Rush Limbaugh on the Super Bowl.

"I got suckered like a virgin on prom night with her first corsage," wrote Thompson. "No way I should have let that speech-slurring, OxyContin-popping rat bastard hornswoggle me into taking the Eagles without the points. How was I to know that [Eagles quarterback] Donovan McNabb would swallow his colon when the game was on the line? I've seen snitches trapped in the corner of a rest stop on a Hell's Angels' run with more composure than that guy."

McNabb, Limbaugh, and Hilton were only a few of the public figures and celebrities whom Thompson gunned down with bursts of Uzi-like prose. Even Rolling Stone editor, Jann Wenner, who had purchased the rights to Thompson's suicide note for $10 million some time ago, was withered in the crossfire.

"I hope you're happy, you pompous, vainglorious Nancy Boy twit," wrote Thompson. "I can tell your sorry, Mick Jagger-loving ass that I certainly will be glad not having to put up with your limp-wristed voice whining into my answering machine asking how I managed to spend $25 thousand in two days on room service. I ought to send you a bill for all the freakin' answering machines I shot on account of you."

In related news, Miramax films, which purchased the movie rights to Thompson's suicide note, is "in conversations" with Russell Crowe concerning the lead role.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Police, suicide

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