Known terrorist and 911 architect Osama bin Laden was captured today, at a deli in Boston, while ordering kibbeh and shawarma takeout.
An on site strip search, much to the horror of the patrons, revealed a plastic box cutter cleverly concealed in his Lady Gaga boxers and resembling a penis. Also found was a pilot license which we all know is his preferred weapon of mass destruction.
Fearing the President's new policy of releasing known serial killers from custody as well as the Democratic party's history of allowing Bin Laden to get away local authorities immediately mirandized the villain in Aramaic (all 15 dialects), English, Spanish, Mandarin, French, Russian, Yiddish, Urdu, Bangali and German.
Fearful of any action that could be interpreted as torture a stretch limo with 72 virgins was summoned to transport him directly to the chambers of a local judge who was chosen for his Mid East descent.
"With the exception of Health Care Reform and Bank Bailouts we stand as a nation because of our dedication to due process. No one is guilty until proven innocent and time tested rights of criminals, and future voters, are inalienable." President Obama blubbered on the news of the end of the greatest manhunt in history.
The President sent Attorney General Eric Holder (ironic name isn't it) to oversee the preliminary charge hearing and to set bail. When asked of his guilt bin Laden offered this. "You stupid Americans. I've been eating goat cheese in a cave for ten years. Of course I killed those innocents in NYC, so what, do you think clever law enforcement, Delta Force, or even a reward just under a trillion could bring me in? I fart in your general direction. I wanted to get caught so I can get free healthcare, cable TV, all the drugs I want not to mention book and movie rights. I am going to party like a rock star."
The local prosecutor attempted to have any possibility of bail rescinded because bin Laden had redefined the term 'flight risk' but Holder told him to shut the cuff up. Bail was set at $500,000 and a perturbed bin Laden agreed to surrender all eight hundred of his passports. As the hearing was about to end Mr. Holder realized they had made a terrible mistake. No, it wasn't the strip search. There are 16 dialects in the Aramaic language.
Once released bin Laden got all holy on us and with a shrug tossed us a bone inspired by Charles Manson. "Kill one man and you are famous for a day. Teach men how to kill and you will be famous forever."
Ti Cuff
