Written by K.C. Bell

Saturday, 27 November 2004

image for Presidential Selection
"Wally promised me Ohio. He can give you England."

In an effort to guarantee a Labor Party victory early next year, Tony Blair made an emergency trip to the United States, asking President Bush to sell Great Britain the Diebold Corporation touch screen voting machines. Designed by Wally O'Dell, no relation to "Digger" (though there seems to be a similarity) these voting machines are absent of a paper trail, and proved to be more efficient than the Supreme Court in presidential selection. The president agreed to the sale, pending approval by Vice President Dick Cheney.

In many instances, particularly in Ohio, these magic machines were able to count more voters for Bush than were registered in individual precincts. The vote count was fast and the mainstream news media in the United States accepted the results of these machines on election night, like bam, announcing the outcome of the election faster than Rachael Ray can cook a Thirty Minute Meal on the food network. Exit polls sort of disagreed with the results, but hey, exit polls appear to be taken more seriously in the Ukraine, and by Secretary of State Colin Powell, when applied to the Ukraine.

Learning of the Diebold method of elections, interim Prime Minister Iyad Allawi of Iraq has also requested this system for the promised January elections. While the Sunni party remains a minority in Iraq, the magic of the cooperative Diebold system will soon replace their numbers, creating a new majority voting group.

The Palestinian Liberation Front has also voiced interest in Diebold. With the recent death of Yasser Arafat, they too are looking for a new leader, saying, "Certainly, if it worked for the United States, and is going to be used in Great Britain and Iraq, why not? Nothing succeeds like success."

Iran is due for elections soon, and Saudi Arabia is voicing interest in spreading the breeze of democracy across their land. Diebold may be called to the rescue.

ATM machines might not be prepared to introduce the Diebold system for deposits and withdrawals, but just in time for Christmas, Diebold touch voting systems are going to be installed in children's stores throughout the country. This Diebold gift selection system will eliminate the need for a Santa Claus, thus being more cost effective, and while a child may vote for a horse for Christmas, come Christmas morning, he'll instead receive a toy goat.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Tony Blair, Britain

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