Kevin Henderson, a professor of criminology at Snarkington University, has turned an old adage on its head: 'crime doesn't pay'.
'Crime actually pays quite well', said Henderson. 'So well, in fact, that I'm considering changing careers.'
Henderson points to publicly-available statistics to prove his point.
'In the US, we have a prison population of over 1.6 million', he says. 'At the same time, the annual cost of crime in the US is $603 billion.'
'That means', he concludes, 'that each crime is worth approximately $374,430.44.'
'With that amount of money for the average crime, it's like winning the lottery', Henderson adds. 'But it's even better odds than that. We have the equivalent of 1.6 million winners at that level.'
Asked if being in prison is actually part of how crime pays, Henderson pointed out that it's 'like taking early retirement'.
'Actually', he said, 'it's three meals a day, recreational areas, a warm place to sleep, color television, all at public expense -- so you don't even have to spend your retirement money! Unbelievable!'
Henderson declined to describe what his career plans were, saying simply that he planned on an 'above-average lifestyle.'
