DETROIT - The Vatican's Papal Regulating Committee has just announced that they have hired Jasper Schuringa, the hero of Northwest Flight 253, to replace Bronzolo Farigliano as the Vatican's Head of Security.
Farigliano was fired two hours after a crazed woman wearing a braless red minidress vaulted the wooden barrier and managed to knock down the Pope even though he was surrounded by at least 10 well-armed security agents.
Mr. Schuringa, a native of the Netherlands, is the man who wrestled suspected Al Qaeda operative Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab Jr. to the ground just before Mutallab set his crotch on fire which would have detonated a bomb that he had hidden in his jockey shorts.
Northwest Airlines has recognized Mr. Schuringa for his heroic efforts and has rewarded him with a life time pass to fly anytime, anywhere he wishes on Northwest Airlines.
The pass also allows Schuringa unlimited alcoholic beverages, the steak of his choice, and whenever he is on board a Northwest plane he will be allowed to exit the plane before anyone else.
The pass also includes a special provision that allows him to sit in the cockpit with the crew. There is also an added clause that states that if the weather is perfectly clear and there is not another plane within 500 miles he can, at the pilot's discretion, fly the plane but for not for more than 33 miles or four minutes, whichever comes first.
Mr. Schuringa was also given the keys to the city of Detroit. He graciously thanked the mayor and said that he did not mean to seem the least bit unappreciative but asked if they could make it the keys to the city of Las Vegas instead. The mayor laughed, gave Jasper a fist bump, a high-five, and he took the keys back.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Jasper Schuringa is one heck of a kidder. The man has one of the best senses of humor in the Netherlands and he knows about 600 knock-knock jokes; half of them in Chinese.]
