"The New Soldier" Almost Victim of Burning Bush

Funny story written by Rich Lather

Tuesday, 24 August 2004

image for "The New Soldier" Almost Victim of Burning Bush
Kerry's book saved, thanks to alert campaign aid.

-President George W. Bush made the fourth stop on his People's Republican Party Book Burning tour today at the New Berlin Convention Center in Minneapolis, among thousands of supporters. In the past three cities, the President and his entourage have consistently been met with large numbers of enthusiastic book burners, and today was no different.

A large bonfire was built in the convention center parking lot as party members ushered supporters up to the platform where they could toss in their copies of infectious publications such as ‘Mein Kampf', ‘The Communist Manifesto', ‘Das Kapital' and ‘The Wizard of Oz'. The flames grew higher and the cheers grew louder as each book met its fiery death.

During what has traditionally been a happy occasion, a bit of unrest developed when a cloaked individual slipped past secret service agents and handed the President a book to toss into the inferno. The figure slipped back into the crowd and quickly disappeared, witnesses said. The suspicious individual was described a tall man, approximately 6'4", long face, dark hair, and wearing a dark Gianfranco cashmere overcoat.

President Bush, caught up in the excitement of the book burning, took the tome from the suspicious man and prepared to toss it into the blaze, which had grown to over 20 feet high. An alert aid stopped the President in mid-throw, directing his attention to the copy of "The New Soldier," authored by John Kerry in 1971. "Holy crap! I can't burn this," President Bush said as he handed the book to Secret Service Agent Dale Arnold.

Visibly shaken by the incident, the President excused himself from the stage, escorted by Agent Arnold. Two People's Republican Party campaign members took his place on the platform to keep the fire burning.

Following a forty minute conference with aids, President Bush met with reporters who were clamoring for an answer. "First of all," the President began, "I want to thank you for your patience and for remaining calm. It appears that a man meeting the description of my opponent, John Kerry, has slipped me a signed copy of a book he authored back in 1971, hoping I would throw it into the fire, destroying it forever."

"Thanks to an alert aid," Bush continued, "the book was saved. There aren't many of these left; I know, I've been searching on eBay for months. Within the pages of this book, we'll learn of the real John Kerry. He wrote this book when he returned from the Vietnam War, along with other anti-war protestors. He denounced the war, and he denigrated the soldiers with whom he served; the men who surely saved his life on more than one occasion." A low, angry rumble moved across the crowd.

"They not only insulted the Vietnam veterans," the President noted. "Look at the cover! A bunch of long-hair hippies are mocking our proud soldiers raising the American flag in Iwo Jima. That's World War II we're talking about! It's a disgrace, and the man has the balls to show up here and try to destroy this record of his disservice in our sacred fire. No political ad in the world can make up for disrespectful acts such as this. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect this country, and he damn sure doesn't respect the men and women who've died protecting the freedoms we all enjoy!" The crowd responded by erupting in thunderous applause and cheers.

"Who are you gonna vote for in November?" the President asked the crowd, again met with a tremendous roar of applause.

John Kerry's campaign refused to comment, but assured us that the idea of John Kerry attending a People's Republican Party Book Burning was absolutely ludicrous. They were also unaware that John Kerry had ever written any book or protested against any war.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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