A fair and honest appraisal of the 2004 election

Funny story written by Weigand

Monday, 9 August 2004

With all the opinions and commentary pertaining to the coming presidential election, it seems that there is a considerable need for a good, objective look at the candidates running for the position of most powerful man in the world. Herein I will attempt to create as fair a stance on our candidates as I can. A list of pros and cons for each runner seems in order.

George W. Bush

• Most obvious of Bush’s pros is desire to improve life in our military. His recent demands for a brand new mili-tary Hummer for each veteran will appease vets old and new alike, while dramatically improving the automobile business.
• Bush is a war hero. His exploits include a heroic last-quarter touchdown in his base’s annual football tour-nament and an impressive thirty seconds latrine run!
• Bush is a genius. Move over, Woodrow Wilson. George W. Bush makes you look like a quibbling idiot with his magnificent speeches and grandiose statements of incredible ardor.
• Bush loves the environment. Inspired by a letter from five-year-old Johnny Priston, Bush pushed the PPPA, or Pink Pacaderm Protection Act, to its eventual ratification in the Senate. Who needs clean air when our rosy elephants are in danger?
• Bush has improved White House safety by pushing for the creation the PCSA, or Pretzel Consumption Safety Administration.
• Bush completely backed up his promise to build “a million billion houses” by 2004. Kerry has made no similar promises.
• Bush is pro-affirmative action. Many of his most eloquent speeches were written by two recently appointed chimpanzees named PoPo and Fling. Kerry doesn’t like Chimpanzees. He’s anti-chimpanzee appointment. He must be anti-affirmative action!
• Speaking of Bush’s non-racist attitudes, his NSA is a black woman! Though Bush hired Condoleezza Rice originally thinking she was Chinese, his heart was in the right place. And look what a wonderfully conservative filibusterer he hired! Just think, where would intelligence in the White House be without Condee?
• Bush considers himself a “New Conservative,” which he defines as either with or against himself. He also claims to be “pro-humanity” and “anti-bad things.”
• Bush cried when the Twin towers blew up. Kerry was probably eating cake or something base like that. Maybe pie.
• In his quest to win his “war on terror,” Bush has provided substantial sums for research on potential cures for irrational phobias.
• Since the War in Iraq is over, Bush has pushed for its official name to be declared Operation Iraqi Liberation. Bush is overjoyed that his lifelong quest for O.I.L. is finally over.
• When asked about his stance on abortion, Bush replied, in order to cover all bases, “Yes/No.” Obviously, he is the undisputed master of straddling the political fence, giving both pregnant mothers and unborn children reason to vote for him.
• When asked by journalists whether he really likes [Condoleeza] Rice, Bush answered “No, or any other Chinese food for that matter.” Well neither does Rambo. A good strong President wants his red meat and potatoes.


• Bush works too hard. He spends too much time deliberating over the best way to make Iraqis unfathomably happy to worry about less important things, like words.

John Kerry

• Kerry fought in the Vietnam War like a good soldier and didn’t question the authority of the people in charge, mindlessly following the orders of higher-ups who knew far better than him how important the war he was fighting was to America. Good Kerry. Good boy.

• Kerry is a Democrat.
• Though it is sad that Kerry lost his right forearm in Vietnam, it is unbecoming of him to flaunt his prosthetic like some kind of souvenir. All that waving. Yech.
• Kerry can’t take a stand. Nobody wants a wishy-washy President. Say yes or no, not “Yes, but only when the wind blows west in Kansas.”
• Kerry received a terrible burn in Nam, permanently injuring his scalp and preventing him from ever growing a full head of hair. Who wants a President with a bad toupee?
• What’s with that damn smile? It looks like he’s pri-vately chuckling to some kind of sick inside joke or something. It certainly seems awfully shady.
• Kerry needs to get a decent pair of sunglasses. He squints too much. Presidents need to keep their eyes open. Who cares how sunny it is at the Democratic Caucuses? Look alive, soldier.
• We don’t even need to mention the rumors of jeweled sequins incidentally discovered in Kerry’s hotel room drawer. Ironically, we just did.
• Kerry has received a great deal of money from gay Democrats. Gays! It seems Christopher Lowell is the giver in this relationship, not the taker. (money)
• Kerry was caught eating a salad at a fancy restaurant in North Dakota. What kind of wimp eats salad for dinner? Oooh, maybe it had some tuna in it. Wimp.
• It’s the economy, stupid.

Well, there. A perfectly candid and honest portrayal of our two Presidential candidates. The cold, hard facts have been related, pros and cons for each; now it is up to you, dear reader, to decide who deserves the seat of Mr. President.

I hope this has proven helpful in deciding your political alignment. If, however, you are not voting in the next election, I can’t but wonder why you even read this at all. Perhaps you should go scan the gossip article on page X. I’m sure you’ll find it most interesting.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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