Taylor Lautner Balloon Attack Prompts Thanksgiving Day Parade Reroute

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 27 November 2009


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Scores of surprised 'Black Friday' shoppers camped out in streets trampled by hastily rerouted parade.

NEW YORK CITY, New York - It was a black Thursday when the Macey's Thanksgiving Day Parade had to be rerouted down Broadway after a catastrophic balloon failure in Times Square wreaked havoc on the festivities.

Parade newcomer "Jacob Black," an 80-foot-long, bare-chested likeness of Taylor Lautner's werewolf character in the box office blockbuster Blew Moon, careened out of control in front of Bubba Shrimp's Gumbo Company when a lawn dart launched at the balloon's groin caused a gaping hole to rip open, said officials.

Authorities took the balloon's assailant into custody, later identifying him as Aaron Jonas of Hendersonville, Tennessee, who graduated from the same academy as Taylor Swift, country music's beloved no-premarital-sex kitten, most recently noted for giving Taylor Lautner a hella-wicked case of blue balls.

"All of a sudden, there was a loud pop followed by a flapping noise," recalled one of the balloon's handlers.

"Almost like this," she said, lifting up the reporter's blouse, blowing into her belly fat for several seconds as the reporter giggled uncontrollably. "After that, the tether ripped right out of my hands."

She and several others had tumbled into a scattered heap as the Jacob Black balloon appeared to "leap forward," according to witnesses, picking up speed as it headed South until the Blew Moon star finally came to an abrupt halt, his face jammed into the crack of Nora the Explorer's gigantic helium-filled ass.

The iconic balloons continued to pass gas out into Times Square, dropping from the sky at 7th Avenue and West 43rd Street as the terrified crowd screamed, scrambling frantically, their voices elevated by the escaping helium to a mouse-like pitch just as a towering Steamboat Mickey floated into view.

City police acted quickly, redirecting the New York holiday spectacle's 2.65-mile route back down Broadway; the Astonishing Spider Man and Squarebob Spongepants jostled for air space as the parade left Times Square, and a beefy Donald MacRonald balloon was seen punching the Pilsnery Yeastboy right in the beer gut as they rounded the corner, nearly triggering a third expulsion of helium gas.

Later, scores had to be hospitalized when the hastily rerouted parade's unannounced floats and marching bands began to collide with thousands of surprised shoppers already camped out in the city's streets in anticipation of Black Friday.

Taylor Swift announced that she will donate an as yet undetermined sum of money to help offset the medical costs of those affected by the incident, procured through suits against small business owners who play her music in their bars without paying royalties.

Taylor Lautner, on the other hand, reportedly tittered like a complete airhead upon hearing of the balloon incident, promptly removing his shirt as he grinned.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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