OREM, Utah -- Dr. Richard Cranium, President of his own personal think tank, the Institute of Determining Infallibility Of Truth (IDIOT) announced his team's success in coming up with the world's first definitively accurate test for determining whether or not a person is telling the truth.
A preliminary announcement of his findings was made to the Congress of the United States one day before the public announcement, which some believe accounts for the 534 suicides reported from Washington, D.C., all involving Congressmen.
The lone surviving Congressman, Senator Jefferson Smith, R-Montana said, "Well, now, Ah reckon that them as did kill themselves must have had some powerful secrets that concerned them. But Ah cain't pass judgment, as Ah buhleeve that this country was built on plain, ordinary, every day kindness...and a little lookin' out for the other fellah, too.""
Senator Smith then related that at least now he could stop his filibuster, confident that his bill for allocating funds for building a National Boy's Camp at the headwaters of Willet Creek could pass - given that he was now not only a quorom, but a majority. "At least this new-fangled device will bust up the corrupt Taylor Machine back in mah neck of the woods. And bust up a darn sight more political machines elsewhere, Ah reckon."
President Obama has not as yet committed suicide over his broken promises about closing Gitmo, ending military tribunals or enforcing the 14th amendment for gays in the military, but this is believed to be because his Nobel Peace Prize has special powers that shield him from the polygraph test.
