Written by Abel Rodriguez

Thursday, 8 October 2009

image for Donny Osmond and Bruno Tonioli Agreed To Star In New Sitcom - The Fruits of Napa Valley
A view from the mansion on "The Fruits of Napa Valley" looking out towards the prized vineyards.

LOS ANGELES - Dancing With The Stars Judge Bruno Tonioli aka the "Italian Non-Stallion" and DWTS contestant Donny Osmond aka the "Stormin' Mormon" have agreed to appear in a TV sit-com on the new G-Network.

A spokesperson for the brand new network was asked what the G stood for and he refused to say. Word in the entertainment world is that the G stands for either Generic, Giddy, or Gay.

The G-Network's owner and CEO Myron Giddy was asked if the G did in fact stand for Giddy and the 83-year-old transplanted New Yorker declined to say.

Tonioli and Osmond will be starring in a comedy set in California's lush wine-producing Napa Valley. The show's title is called The Fruits of Napa Valley.

Bruno and Donny will star as twin brothers Verdello and Viggiano Fruitalini, who have recently come to America from Punta Chingona, Italy a little fishing village on the southern coast of Sicily.

The Fruitalini brothers, who purchase one of the biggest vineyard farms in California, have dropped the 'alino' from their name and now simply go by Fruit, due to a federal mandate regarding the Witness Protection Program.

It seems that the two brothers were both dating Sabrosa Sassafellini the somewhat nymphomaniacal daughter of the town's mayor Don Lambrusco Sassafellini, who also happened to be the Mafioso boss of the town's notorious Sassafellini-Pompiano family, who dabble in sardines, shrimp, oysters, and extortion.

The reason that the Fruitalini brothers left Punta Chingona on such a short notice is because of a little donut. It seems that Sabrosa took an EPT test and a tiny little 'Dunkin Donut' appeared.

Her father immediately demanded that either Viggiano or Verdello do the right thing and marry his sweet little 24-year-old daughter or both would be charged with sexual assault, arrested, tried, and then fed to the fishes (as they say in all of the Mafia movies).

Sabrosa is a strikingly beautiful woman, with fantastic, supple, nubile breastesses (hooterinos) and a gorgeously desirable derriere (rump*s delectina).

But, the bottom line is that she is the daughter of a Mafioso boss, and sadly the life expectancy of a Mafioso boss's son-in-law after the wedding is somewhere between two months and eleven months.

It is a well-known and highly established fact that for some reason or other Mafioso bosses, and especially those who reside in southern Sicily, do not have any patience whatsoever when it comes to sons-in-laws.

Some highly noted and very well respected marriage counselors attribute this factor to the ingredient Espumafecta, which is found in all Italian wines.

What Espumafecta, which is more commonly known by its street name Spumi, does is that it brings out the machismo personality hormone.

And this characteristic trait then causes the 'wine drinker' aka the father to feel as if his daughter's husband is basically nothing more than a good-for-nothing, piece-of-pasta, pepperoni pizza-partaking punk.

There are four things that all Italian men love; Italian wine, Italian women, Italian sports cars, and Italian alliteration.

There have been documented cases where Italian fathers have actually had prospective husbands for their daughters flown in from such far away places as Brooklyn, Philadelphia, and Chicago's Little Italy neighborhood.

Some of these so called 'mail-order husbands' even go as far as Italianicizing their American names such as Jacksonini, Smithetti, Obamalino, and Rodriguezbello.

Fruits of Napa Valley will premier on Thanksgiving night at 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. Central, and 1 a.m. London.

WRITER'S CREDITS: I would like to thank my good friend from West Virginia Frankie The J for allowing me the use of the word 'Breastesses.' Also thanks to my amigo in Britain Spoofer Skoob for sending me the book Viz Roger's Profanisaurus which has over 10,000 rude words and phrases found in the British language. And finally to the host of So You Think You Can Dance Cat Deeley for sending me that 8 by 10 glossy of her wearing the Union Jack leg warmers. And thanks to Cat also for that fabulous fish and chips recipe. Avocado and escargot salsa? who would have thunk (thought).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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