Martha Stewart Lashes Out At Jessica Simpson For Losing Her Dog

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

image for Martha Stewart Lashes Out At Jessica Simpson For Losing Her Dog
Jessica Simpson's "Lost" dog.

NEW YORK CITY - Business magnate, entrepreneur, and TV host Martha Stewart has lashed out at Jessica Simpson for not watching her little dog more closely.

Stewart who is 68, said that if Jessica had been watching her little pooch instead of worrying about sunbathing little Daisy would not have been snatched by that big, bad, mean coyote.

Miss Stewart made those remarks on her TV show, Martha Stewart Living, while she showed her audience how to make door stops out of plain everyday Frosted Flakes Cereal.

She then showed how you can take three-day old sauerkraut salad and turn it into a casserole that if you close your eyes you would swear it was Filet Mignon Steak.

Ms. Stewart said that in her 68 years she has probably had around 90 dogs and she has never had one snatched by a coyote. Well to be fair, the fact that most of her life she has spent living in a luxurious high-rise apartment the possibility of coming upon a coyote or even a spider are practically non-existent.

Miss Martha, who is an ex-con is reportedly worth $638 million. She did say that Jessica acted correctly when she placed an ad in the newspaper offering a reward for the safe return of Daisy.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Okay, simple logic 101 here. The domesticated, sweet, little dog was snatched by a wild, rabid, mean as sh*t coyote. The coyote first of all does not read. And secondly, even if it did, most coyotes do not give a tinker's damn about reward money. What coyotes do understand is that to them dogs like Pomeranians, Chihuahuas, and Pekingeses represent a meal.]

Stewart had even made an off-the-record comment that Simpson should have been arrested for animal neglect, animal cruelty, and animal magnitude.

Jessica Simpson could not be reached for comment. She is presently filming a movie down in Baja California, Mexico; The film is about the slimy individuals who are paid a lot of money to transport illegal aliens across the border into the United States. The film is titled, The Damn Coyotes of Old Mexico.

The pushing 70 TV personality, Stewart said that if it had been her, there is no way that the coyote would have taken her pet. She said that she would have fought the coyote off with her $5,000 Rolex Wristwatch.

[WRITER'S NOTE: I'm from Texas, where coyotes run around like squirrels. And if Martha Stewart thinks that she could have fought off a wild, ravenous coyote with a $5,000 Rolex Wristwatch or even with a machete, she is sadly mistaken. The coyote would have kicked the machete out of her New York City slicker hands, stuck the $5,000 Rolex Wristwatch up her New York City [EXPLETIVE DELETED BY EDITOR] and it would have grabbed her and taken her away to its cave, where the 638 million dollar woman would have provided the coyote and its family meals for about six or seven days.]

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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