LOS ANGELES - In a move that has pleasantly surprised the organizers of The National Breast Appreciation Day festivities which are scheduled for September 28, 2009, four movie starlets say they are upset and embarrassed at the upcoming event.
The four movie celebrities have all sent 'form letters' asking that the much anticipated bosomy event not be allowed to be held (no pun intended, expressed, or otherwise implied).
The actresses are Kate Hudson, Sandra Bullock, Calista Flockhart, and British actress Keira Knightley. And they have sent their 'form letters' to Chumbawumbas, Inc. of Twin Buttes, North Dakota, organizers of The National Breast Appreciation Day event.
The 'form letters' state in part that focusing on buxom females who are gorgeously well-endowed in the hoo ha (knockers) department is not really a very nice thing to do.
The 'form letters' go on to say that the male fixation on women's mammary glands can cause those women who are not gazongally gifted or bambochally blessed to feel as if they have to try that much harder at cooking, cleaning, and complementing their husbands and/or boyfriends.
Kate Hudson wrote in her 'form letter' that not all American women have chichotas that can compare to Pamela Anderson's, Jessica Simpson's, or Dolly Parton's.
A spokesperson for The National Breast Appreciation Day organization Cylus Morgenthau said that there is absolutely no concrete grounds or evidentiary basis whatsoever to these starlet's 'form letters.' He said that he is dismissing them as being frivolous, flimsy, fickle, flippant, farcical, and flat (pun intended).
Morgenthau said that he will however be drafting a 'form letter' of his own informing the four movie stars that he will be glad to send them some names of some excellent breast augmentation specialists in the greater Los Angeles area.
He will also include newspaper clippings from Norway which report on how Dr. Tobias Mathias Henriksen, a noted breast specialist developed a liquid drink called Hooter Mix 17-X, which when taken orally after every meal will cause the stringent belly button muscles to push upward with a force of 2.3 G's.
This upward pushing movement will in turn cause the skin below the female breasts to push upwardly and outwardly which after approximately two months will result in a woman who is an A-cup going up to a C-cup.
Dr. Henriksen said that he has tested this method on thousands of laboratory kangaroos and he has had fantastic results. The only set back has been that in a few cases the kangaroo knockers did oddly enough end up in the kangaroo's pocket.
Dr. Henriksen stated that the problem was easily corrected by simply going in and surgically lowering the kangaroo's pocket by about five inches.
The good doctor was asked if he had tried out his method on any human females. He replied that so far he had only tried it out on two women. The first one was an African woman named Tafusha Bippity from Kenya who was completely flat-chested.
Tafusha said that she was embarrassed because she lives in the "topless village" of Yummyville and she is sick and tired of having the other village women point at her upper torso and say things like "Hey, where the boom-booms are?" "No wonder your baby skinny like tongue depressor." and "It's okay, you no worry, you cook lion, hippo, and rhino damn good."
The other woman is a beautiful 24-year-old redhead from Paris, Monique LeFry. Ever since she was a little girl Monique wanted to grow up to be a can-can dancer but found that because she was flat-chested couldn't-couldn't.
And as a result she just kind of kept to herself occupying her time reading books on The Great Wall of China, The Great Icebergs of Iceland, and The Great Plaster of Paris.
SIDENOTE: Tafusha, who is divorced, took the Hooter Mix 17-B and within three months she went from being a 34-AAA to being a 34-D. Taffy, as the village men call her opened up a one-woman dating service and she is overjoyed to say that she is booked solid all the way through May of 2010.
And as for Monique, she eventually went from being a 38-AA to being a 38-D and she ended up realizing her life long dream of becoming a can-can dancer at the world-wide famous Mr. Pierre Du Chole's House of Can-Caning in Paris. Monique soon started dating Mr. Du Chole and she is happy and thrilled beyond belief to say that she is now Monique LeFry-Du Chole.
