The Chupacabra Sold To Mexico

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 5 September 2009

image for The Chupacabra Sold To Mexico
El Hijo De La Chingada Zoo in Tampico, Mexico, where the Chupacabra will be housed.

SAN ANTONIO - The Figginfacker family of Blank Check City, Texas, owners of the Chupacabra has just informed Oprah Winfrey that they have finalized the sale of the Chupacabra to the Republic of Mexico.

The amount of the sale is not being released by the Figginfacker family due to income tax reasons [EDITOR'S NOTE: Larry King said that the sale price was $105,000.]

The dreaded Chupacabra, which game wardens, taxidermists, and taxi drivers agree resembles a hairless coyote curled up in the fetal position is probably the ugliest-looking, most nauseating creature on the face of the earth excluding Amy Winehouse of course.

Laredo Game Warden Chencho Seneca, who has written three books on the Chupacabra said that most people do not know that even though the Chupacabra looks extremely stupid, it is really quite intelligent.

Seneca said that he has studied the migratory habits, the eating habits, the drinking habits, and even the drug habits of this ugly-looking piece-of-shit creature.

In Seneca's first book on the horrendously horrid hairless critter entitled, My First Book On The Horrendously Horrid Hairless Critter, he writes that although somewhat misunderstood in the culinary sense the ugly-as-hell wild Chupacabra actually seeks out permanent companionship much in the same sense as a piranha seeks out human fingers.

Through a series of actual photographs and some unactual ones Seneca shows first hand how perfectly loving and civilized a Chupacabra cannot be.

In his second book entitled My Second Book, Seneca demonstrates just how little we really know about the basic overall nature and personality of this grotesquely gruesome and repulsively revolting wild varmint from the depths of that hot-as-hell place known as hell.

Seneca uses an abundant amount of personification, alliteration, metaphors, similes, hyperbole, onomatopoeia, and voter registration to show exactly how this disgustingly detestable and wretchedly wretched savage beast of a malapropism-ed monster is in the reality show world the Ann Coulter of the Chupachingadacabra world.

Mexican President Nacho Winslow first expressed interest in the Chupacabra in a 2007 visit to Disneyland. He reportedly told Goofy that he is almost 97 percent certain that the Chupacabra, which means 'goat sucker,' was actually born on Mexican soil.

Goofy reportedly said, "Sayyy whattt?"

President Winslow told him that the 'Migra,' (the Mexican Immigration Service) had told him that they had talked to a rancher outside of Cuernavaca, Mexico (Cowhorn, Mexico) who had witnessed the actual birth of the Chupacabra.

When asked what the new born Chupacabra looked like he replied that it looked like what a baby fathered and mothered by Andy Dick and Ann Coulter would most probably look like.

Goofy, who is bilingual replied, "Chingao," which is Costa Rican for 'golly.'

Presidente Nachito, as his grandmother calls him, flew into Los Angeles to appear on the Larry King Show. Larry asked him if he really believed that the Chupacabra was actually born in Mexico. Winslow looked him in the eye and said, "Jes, absolutely jes I does."

Larry asked, "Ju does?"

"yeppers I does."

King smiled and said that he could tell that he had taken an English course somewhere along the line.

Winslow thanked him and said that he had and that his English had literally improved over 30 percent if not less.

Larry asked him what he planned to do with the Chupacabra once he had it down in Mexico.

Winslow said that he was going to house "La Chupi" in Tampico's El Hijo De La Chingada Zoo.

King told the Mexican president that he had called it "La Chupi" and it was his understanding that the Chupacabra was a male, "El Chupi."

Winslow laughed, took a sip of his Jose Cuervo Tequila on the rocks and said that a lot of 'peoples' do not know that the Chupacabra is bisexual.

King asked him if he was gay. Winslow got highly insulted and told Larry that he liked girls. King laughed and said that he meant if the Chupacabra was gay.

Winslow said that 'jes' the Chupacabra was very happy. King interrupted him and said, no I do not mean gay in the happy sense, I mean gay in the you know...boom-boom sense.

Winslow looked at him totally confused and asked, "Lerry, what the fluck are ju talking about?" King smiled, took a sip of his Chivas Regal and asked him if the Chupacabra rode sidesaddle.

Winslow replied that "Chupi" was a fracked up coyote and that the asshole could barely stand up much less ride a frackin' horsey.

Larry finally said, look Nacho, may I call you Nacho. And the president replied that he could since after-all that was his first name.

He then said that if his first name was something other than Nacho like say Pancho, Sancho, or Brad then he did not want him calling him Nacho since that is the name of an hors d'oeuvres.

King started laughing almost spilling his drink. He then leaned over and asked President Winslow if he could come back sometime and tell him how it's going with the Chupalosjuevos.

President Winslow started laughing so hard he almost fell out of his chair. King asked what was so funny. And Winslow replied, "Ju, Ju big skinny estupido." King shot back "You're mama." And Winslow said, "Tu madre, ju tall skinny ass pendejo."

King took out his English-to-Spanish dictionary and said, "Vamos con Juan y Maria a la bibloteca." Winslow took two drinks from his Tequila on the rocks and told Lerry that he was so funny that he should have his own choe.

President Winslow then said that he had to go because he was going to be coming out on the Opera Wintry Choe.

King asked him to please come back sometime.

Winslow gave him a fist bump and said, "Ju got it crackerboy."

For more on the Chupacabra such as its weird as hell mating habits log on to www.chupacabrafunfax.ole

The Discovery Channel will be showing a documentary on the Chupacabra entitled, The Chupacabra - It's Astonishing Chingcitas and Astounding Chingaderas. Please consult your local listings for day and time.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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