Former Vice-President and current professor Al Gore, all 292 pounds of him, has announced the formation of an exploratory committee to see if he can somehow lose some fat, especially around his ass.
"I'm a Tennessee boy, born after bred..Ma-bred and born.. and I have a natural love for bacon cooked in sausage grease, add some flour, a little salt and pepper and there you have bacon and gravy....be right back."
"Errrrrrrrrrppp! S'cuse me. I realize I have a weight problem and I don't want to wind up like Jerry Lewis I saw on that telethon. I realize Jerry's bloated body is from that medicine he takes or something, but I don't have any excuse."
The former VP stated that just yesterday he realized he outweighed Rush Limbaugh.
"Scared the shit out of me. Well, I wish it had scared the shit out of me."
Then, Gore added, with big tears breaking loose from his eyes, he had almost crushed his wife Tipper the night before, while having sex.
"I was eating a ham sandwich...that always makes me last longer...and I looked down and Tipper was white."
So after giving her CPR while finishing his sandwich, Gore stated that this was too much.
"I'm forming a committee this very day. I have decided not to run, even if chosen. Instead, I'll walk fast. Plus I won't have that little freaky ass Richard Simmons over here. Can't stand that voice. He must be the most borrrrrring person in the world."
To conclude, Gore told his audience that his committee, some folks from the east Tennessee mountains, will help him get rid of the weight fast.
They plan to do this by locking him in a private cell and feed him only jugs of moonshine. That will knock him out for days and when he awakens, more moonshine.
"We'uns thank it'll take a munth or so. Not to wary. Tipper put varmints..hah? vetimans hin hit."
Tipper then explained that if she gets missing Al, she'll go to the wax museum in Gatlingburg.
