"Cash for Clunkers" extended to Suicide Car Bombers?

Written by Robert W. Armijo

Sunday, 16 August 2009

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"Car Bombs for Cash" the next "Cash for Clunkers"?

Kabul, Afghanistan - Gauging from the success of the "Cash for Clunkers" program stateside, the White House is the hoping to capitalize on the popularity of the scheme by introducing a Bill to the House and Senate that will fund a new program offering cash for the cars of would-be suicide car bombers.

"It's based on the same concept as the popular 'Cash for Clunkers' program," said a White House spokesman. "Only we will be extending it to people who want to kill us."

A pilot program is already up and running in Afghanistan. And if successful there, it will be expanded to Iraq and other parts of the Middle East.

"The program is rather simple really," said Sgt. Ron MacAfee, who runs the military's first used car dealership. "I don't know why somebody didn't think of it sooner."

Sgt. MacAfee stands ready to make a deal with any would-be suicide car bomber at his used car lot called "Car Bombs for Cash" on the outskirts of Kabul, Afghanistan. There he buys the unassuming instruments of asymmetrical warfare, disarms them and then dismantles them.

"A Subaru was traded in the other day," Sgt. MacAfee as he sat behind his sales desk surrounded with sandbags, salesman of the month award trophies lined on the shelves behind him. Sweat stains soaking through his short-sleeved pin striped shirt.

Sgt. MacAfee was visibly nervous merely by recalling the incident, using his bright yellow tie with orange polka dots to pat down the moisture gathering on his forehead as he fidgeted with his "Go Army" black pocket pencil protector.

"The deal wasn't going so good," said Sgt, MacAfee as he stood up from behind his desk and looked out the window onto the car lot filled with defused car bombs, recalling the trade-in he took the other day from a potential suicide car bomber. "I had to lowball him just like the field manual says to do, but the guy got so offended by my initial offer that he threatened to detonate his car bomb right there on the lot."

Sgt. MacAfee was flying solo on his first real deal as he just lost his Closer the day before in a Cadillac Escalade trade-in that took out half the inventory in the process.

However, Sgt. MacAfee remain calm and collected, relying on his experience he had garnished while washing cars at a used car dealer back in the states one summer to earn money to help payoff his grandmother's property taxes.

Acting quickly and decisively that would make any civilian used car dealer jealous back home; MacAfee presented the would-be suicide car bomber with a counteroffer without hesitation.

"With their weapons already out, I ordered my platoon to draw a bead on the guy," said Sgt. MacAfee. "Suddenly, he had a change of heart and accepted my counteroffer."

Just then, Sgt. MacAfee recoiled from the window.

"We got incoming!" yelled out Sgt. MacAfee to his platoon as he put on his helmet, reached for his M-16 riffle and a Kelley Blue Book. "A Toyota and a Ford at Twelve and One-o'clock."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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