The Cash For Clunkers Program Lays An Egg

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

image for The Cash For Clunkers Program Lays An Egg
One of Clydell Rufus Hollowstill's pet chickens.

POCAHONTAS, Arkansas - There are a lot of people who are calling the Federal Government's Cash for Clunkers program an automotive joke.

According to Iowa Senator Triscuit Whispertree, The Car Allowance Rebate System (CARS) is a nation-wide United States Federal Scrappage program designed to help Democrats purchase new more fuel efficient vehicles while getting rid of their old beat up, run down, gas guzzling pieces-of-shit clunkers.

West Virgina Senator Byron Skackawix, 83, said that not since the stupid Ford Edsel have we seen such oodles and oodles of frivolous hilarity in the car industry.

The senator went on to say that he does not like the idea of providing $1 billion so that people can get rid of their old clunkers and basically buy new clunkers.

Department of Transportation spokesperson Tavonda Mantovani, 36-24-38, said that DOT has received dozens of calls, mostly form the South, about people misinterpreting the Cash for Clunkers program.

Stonewall F. Thicketcutt, president of the The First Mason Dixon Line Bank in Pocahontas, Arkansas said that three times last week individuals walked in with chickens under their arms.

One of the bank tellers asked one of the individuals what in the world he was doing with the chickens. The man replied, "I's bringin' 'em in so that I can get me some of that there Obama cash money."

Thicketcutt asked one elderly farmer named Clydell Rufus Hollowstill, who said he was either 94, or 97, what in the world he was doing in the bank lobby with a cage filled with chickens.

Hollowstill replied, "I'm here to take advantage of y'all's Cash for Cluckers program.

Cash for Cluckers? Thicketcutt hollered.

"Yes sir, that be right."

"Oh my goodness. Sir, it's Cash for Clunkers, Clunkers with an 'N,' not a 'C' Cash for Clunkers.

"Damn liars!" he yelled. "I am gettin' myself all fed up with all of this political lying goin' on. First Billy (Clinton) lies to us about that bitch intern Harmonica Lowenbrau and then Georgy (Bush) lies about dem weapons of mass distraction, and now you tell me that the brother is lying about my chickens."

"Sorry sir."

"Sorry? Sorry? Tell that to my chickens. I told them all this mornin' that I was not gonna be takin' 'em over to Cacklin' Cal's Cackle-Cackle Chicken House Diner because America wanted to study them for some kind of damn fowl feathers research.

And now I'm gonna have to go back on my word and take them over to Cacklin' Cal's Cackle-Cackle Chicken House Diner after all, where they'll all be turned into chicken nuggets, chicken tenders, chicken wings, and chicken titties."

"Sorry sir. And if you would, would you please hurry every chance you get because the little darlin's are startin' to shit all over the bank floor."

"Don't worry about it Junior. It's only chicken shit."

"Ah, Miss Broyhill, please call security and tell them to bring the dog and a damn mop."

The BBC reported today that after 57 years, Queen Elizabeth has finally apologized for her taste in hats.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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