Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

image for Melissa and Joan Rivers Naked Layout In PlayGuy Magazine
Melissa Rivers shaving her legs on the day of the PlayGuy nude photo shoot (photo courtesy of Donald Trump).

CHICAGO - Melissa Rivers and her mother comedian Joan Rivers have just shot a seven-page nude layout that will be appearing in the September issue of PlayGuy Magazine.

Melissa who is 41, said that ever since she was eliminated from Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice she had fallen into a bit of a melancholic funk.

Melly, as her mother calls her, felt that she was not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or physically endowed enough to ever find a boyfriend, or at the very least a one-night stand.

Her mother convinced her that she was indeed smart enough at least, as witnessed by the fact that she has an IQ somewhere between 196 and 197.

In order to try and cheer her up Joan bought her only daughter expensive clothes from London, exquisite jewelry from Italy, and the most high-priced perfume from Paris. But nothing seemed to work.

She even wrote her out a check for $100,000 from The Bank of America, but Melissa was still extremely sad. melly just felt that there was absolutely nothing that she could do with her listless hair.

Finally Joan spoke to the editor of PlayGuy Magazine Josette Emma Friscatti about the magazine doing a photo shoot with Melissa.

When Friscatti approached Melissa about the offer, Melissa agreed to do it, but only if her mother was also included.

Ms. Friscatti agreed and she told the elder Rivers that she would pay her $1 million dollars to pose nude along with her daughter in a very tastefully done layout. Joan said no. Friscatti then upped the amount to $2 million and again Joan said no.

Finally Friscatti told Joan that she would throw in collagen for life, give her three free liposuctions, she would pay to fix her chemically-damaged hair, and she would even give her unlimited botoxing.

Joan smiled, got up, hugged her, and told her that they had a deal.

The photograher for the mother/daughter shoot was Gaspacho Spumante, one of the leading nude photographers in the country.

Spumante is a very unique photographer in the sense that he photographs his models while he himself is completely nude; or as they say in Toronto, 'naked as a Blue Jaybird.'

The mother/daughter nude photo layout was tastefully done and went well, except for the few moments with the adult male kaola bear.

Karlos the supposedly trained koala bear did manage to get a little bit out of hand to the point where his trainer actually had to put a pair of tight shorts on the horny little fella.

The group of photos with Joan and Melissa pretending to be a couple of Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders went well and the six pom-poms were perfectly placed, except in one photo when Joan's pelvic region pom-pom slipped when she sneezed ever so explicitly exposing her fillet o' fish (industrial oven) for about 35 seconds.

The set of photos where Spumante had Joan and Melissa recreating the Lady Godiva naked on a horse scene went especially well.

Although at first Joan did not like the fact that she was going to play the part of the horse to Melissa's Lady Godiva.

But once Spumante showed her an 8 by 10 glossy of her and Melissa standing side by side in bathing suits, the elder Rivers agree that she did in fact look more like the horse than Melissa did. Joan even kidded that she looked more like the horse than the horse did.

The highly-respected Spumante first began photographing nude models while nude himself back on Valentine's Day in 1992.

His first naked subject was Helga Von Helgastern, the wife of Finland's prime minister Helmet Von Helgastern. The shoot was one of the most successfully rewarding in Spumante's career. That particular issue of PlayGuy Magazine completely sold out the first day.

And today, the only place that you can find a copy of that particular 1992 edition is on eBay and it costs $2,983.

In fact, that shoot made all of the world-wide tabloids because Prime Minister Von Helgastern actually walked in on the shoot unsuspectingly and when he saw his wife nude along with the nude photographer he had a conniption fit.

His wife immediately said that it was just an artistic production and that he did not have to worry his little prime minister's ass off because she kinda had a sneaky suspicion that Spumante was actually gay.

Spumante told the prime minister that it was just business as he focused on the prime minister's crotch area.

The prime minister thought about it for a few moment and then asked Spumante where the hell his camera was and if he was in fact gay what was the erection all about.

Spumante said that he must have left his camera in his car and as for the erection he said that it was just because he had to pee and not because he found his wife to be sensuously sexy or sexually desirable.

The prime minister laughed and told him that he figured that he was in fact gay after he had noticed the tattoo on his bikini line that read 'Rocco Rocks.'

Gaspacho Spumante has photographed more famous nude women than any photographer in the world. Some of his favorites include Pamela Anderson, Madonna, Katie Couric, Paris Hilton, Melissa Etheridge, and Condoleezza Rice.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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