Joan Rivers Says She Cannot Stand Jay Leno

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 31 July 2009

image for Joan Rivers Says She Cannot Stand Jay Leno
Joan Rivers (R) and an assistant arriving at LaGuardia Airport from England.

MANHATTAN - The undisputed Queen of American Comedy Joan Rivers has just stated that she absolutely cannot stand the American prince of comedy Jay Leno.

Ms. Rivers said that it's not because of his bunyanesque chin, or his hairdo which he stole from Phil Donahue.

No Joanie, as her daughter Melissa calls her, says that she despises Leno because after he took over the Tonight Show from King Johnny (Carson) 17 years ago he did not book her on his show once.

She said that her and Johnny had a falling out when she went on her own and started her own late night talk show, which was called, The I Got Your Talk Show Right Here Bitch Starring Joan Rivers.

When Leno was asked about Joan's allegations he asked, "Joan who?"

He then smiled and said that he was just joking and that the reason that he had not booked Ms. Rivers was a very simple one. He said "I just did not think that the skinny, little bitty Jewish lady from New York was that funny."

Leno remarked, "Oh sure she has some great material. And most of it is hilarious, but I just did not care for her 'dagger in the back' type of humor.

Jay was asked to give some examples and he was only to glad to oblige. He said that Rivers once said that Cloris Leachman's hair was so awful that it looked like she combed it with firecrackers.

She said that exercise freak Richard Simmons was so cheap that he would buy his jock straps at pawn shops.

And she said that the pleasantly plump country music singer Wynonna Judd went in to see a doctor about getting liposuction. He took one good look at her and told her that he would have to charge her an extra $700 for the dump truck.

Leno said that when she was in England, Rivers met with the Queen of England in Buckingham Palace. And when she was introduced she told Queen Elizabeth that she could give her the name of a good wrinkle-removing specialist.

And as Rivers was being escorted out by Palace security, she turned and said to the Queen, "Lizzy, I have one question. Why is it that you only shave one leg?"

With that remark, Ms. Rivers was driven right straight to Heathrow Airport and told to never ever show her face in the United Kingdom again. She was told that if she did that she would be arrested on the spot and placed in a jail cell with crazy, certifiable, cracked out lesbians from North Africa.

And speaking of talk shows. The new host of The Tonight Show Conan O'Brien says that he has really become homesick for New York City. He told his maid that he never dreamed that he would miss hearing people cuss in 217 different languages.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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