NEW YORK- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today the drastic measure of slaughtering all pigskins scheduled to used in the upcoming football season.
"This extreme step is an attempt to eliminate the possible contamination of players and NFL personnel by the Swine flu virus," he said. "I have notified all team trainers and equipment manager to immediately tranquilize and quarantine all pigskins in the opposing teams locker room."
Peter Pumpkineater, VP of NFL Security cautioned that the slaughter process would be a noisy and time consuming process and that only official Wilson employees would be involved. "From what I understand a two inch long hollow needle will be inserted into each contaminated pigskins mid-section.
"Then begins the time consuming process of squeezing the pigskins until all their innards have been vacated and they are dead," he said. "They tell me that the screaming of the pigskins is very similar to that of a 380 pound NFL lineman farting after a big game day breakfast."
"It's a sad day, but it's for the best," said winning Super Bowl champion quarterback Eli Manning from the back of his swamp boat the 'Skinny Lil'. "Here in Louisiana we're used to killing all kinds of nasty swamp shit. But thank God I don't have to kill those pigskins myself. Oh the terrible sound they make."
Asked what he thought the league might use as replacements for the NFL pigskins Eli said, "NFL replacements? Are we going on strike already. I hate those scab assholes. Now those scabs, I would kill them myself. They'd never find their bodies. I know places out back here in the bayou that gators don't know."
