Group Questions Limbaugh's Genus

Funny story written by Andy Youtz

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

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In the absence of hard evidence to the contrary conspiracy theorists continue to claim that Rush Limbaugh is not a member of the genus Homo sapiens. The group is demanding that Limbaugh certify that he in fact qualifies as modern man. Their initial impetus, whether or not he is even warm blooded, was quickly debunked when Limbaugh produced a video from his radio broadcast showing him sweating profusely during yet another rant about the alleged anti-American policies of the Obama administration. A separate contingent, calling themselves bipedalists, asked for proof that he walked on just two legs. Again, footage of him ambling to the podium to address a conservative PAC group showed his knuckles to be clearly (albeit not excessively) above the ground.

Known colloquially as the Homers this latest faction contends that he is likely a throwback to Homo erectus, the genus which preceded Homo sapiens and Neanderthal (having eliminated the latter, based on empirical observations of the characters in the Geico commercials). Erectus who lived from 1,800,000 to 300,000 years ago was physically similar to sapiens, but had a somewhat larger jaw, a more massive build and a brain mass approaching 85% of that of modern man. Erectus had elemental speech and the ability to make tools and clothing. The Homers claim that none of these characteristics is inconsistent with those displayed by Limbaugh. For scientific support they point to the phenomenon known as atavism which refers to the reemergence of a previously recessive feature; for instance in humans, a tail or the brain of a neocon.

Predictably, Limbaugh labels the Homers as unpatriotic, naïve, socialist, liberals who are probably led by gays and militant women. While not disputing that he lives in the past he maintains it's the mid-twentieth century, not hundreds of thousands of years ago. On a related note Lou Dobbs, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter and other talk show entertainers have distanced themselves from the fray apparently out of concern of being similarly labeled.

The Homers seem to be gaining momentum and in the absence of any official government documentation of genus it is unclear how Limbaugh will go about disproving the accusations.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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