Clark Kent Can't Find Phone Booth, Oil Tanker Crashes

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

image for Clark Kent Can't Find Phone Booth, Oil Tanker Crashes
Suspect was acting nervous and agitated, said witnesses: "He kept fidgeting with his tie."

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - The California Highway Patrol and several Northern California Sheriffs' Departments tonight launched a manhunt for Clark Kent, 35, who aroused suspicions when he was seen frantically searching the streets of San Francisco's tourist district for a telephone booth shortly before an oil tanker collided with the Bay Bridge, said officials.

The ExCon Mobil tanker was headed Southeast just South of Yerba Buena island in heavy fog when Captain "Rummy" Morgan piloted the 900-foot freighter into a Bay Bridge tower at approximately 20 knots, causing catastrophic failure of the tanker's hull, spilling 350,000 gallons of noxious bunker fuel oil into the San Francisco Bay and several pints of regurgitated stout ale mixed with Jamesson's on the vessel's deck.

Clark Kent is sought in connection with the crash; registered at the Villa Lorenzo, the "highly suspicious" man was seen in the Union Square area minutes before the incident, anxiously soliciting passersby for the location of a public phone.

"He kept running up and down the streets - very strange. He was whispering, 'the tanker, the tanker' and 'got to find a phone booth,'" said one woman who saw a man matching Kent's description, "but we don't have phone booths down here anymore - everybody has a cell phone now. It just doesn't make any sense. What on Earth would anybody need a phone booth for?"

Surveillance footage obtained in the area shows a man who appears to be Kent secretively ducking into a corner, grasping the lapels of his jacket several times only to stop when someone passed by, then making a gesture of frustration before leaving less than a minute later; it is unclear from the footage whether the man was removing his jacket or reaching for a cell phone to contact co-conspirators on the tanker.

A JackDonald's employee also recalled seeing a visibly agitated man she believes was Kent rushing into the building, trying to use the bathroom without first making a purchase. Recalling the incident, she said, "I told him it was for paying customers only. It's our policy."

Kent was last seen in line at the restaurant, reportedly not lovin' it, at the time of the tanker's impact, only to leave the scene immediately afterward without placing an order, raising eyebrows of officials investigating the case.

The Department of Homeland Security has raised terror alert levels to Infra-Red until Kent is found, as it is now believed he had intimate knowledge of these events before their occurrence.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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