Early this afternoon, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that Stuart Smalley be seated as the newly elected Senator from the State of Minnesota. The eight month politicized ordeal has left the citizens of Minnesota with only a 50% representation in the U.S. Senate. Supreme Court Justice Kennedy told reporters, "This puts an end to the fractious statehouse wrangling as well as exhausting all legal remedies available. Now, every Sven, Ole and Olga will have two U.S. Senators." Additionally, contested candidates Al Franken & Norm Coleman sent notes of concession to Sen. Smalley.
In addition, the high court struck down the Seventh, Eighth, Ninth and Tenth Commandments. Author of the majority opinion, Justice "Long Dong Silver" Clarence Thomas, released the stunning rulings to a celebratory cadre of national legal correspondents. Citing public and political mores along with the common and routine behavior of the majority of Americans, Justice Thomas' written opinion cited the apathy and waste of time prohibitions, whether legal or ecclesiastical, have become.
"Americans have a proclivity for screwing outside matrimony, inside matrimony, in their own beds and in their pastor's bed - Commandments Seven & Ten have become irrelevant. Striking down the prohibition of coveting thy neighbor's shit or daughter or wife...well, it only seemed reasonable that you might not advertise or share with your neighbor that you routinely "go down" on every female living under his roof, excluding his cat. So that logic invalidates false witness, which most Americans know as "blowing smoke up someone's ass." So down goes Number Nine as well."
"Finally, who hasn't taken their car in for repairs, only to discover months later the new AC compressor you paid $900.00 for was actually a reconditioned component from some Midnight Auto Supply that your mechanic bought for $71.00 and a six pack? Or after making love to your girlfriend, she tells you how great you were...only to be shocked to read an email she sent her sister referring to you as a pencil dicked incompetent in bed that she is going to dump on Thursday. Theft of emotions or theft of funds; let's face it, everybody is doing it, so we have struck down Commandment Number Eight as well."
"As the supreme arbiters of social intercourse for the United States, reasoned judicial considerations deemed these druidical doctrines null and void. By issuing this opinion, we believe a reduction in the general discord and lowered expectations will sweep through America like a biblical plague of locusts. Once this ruling is internalized, American's will be less likely to get pissed off when their dry cleaner just starches and presses stains or cockroaches on their shirts or their wife is screwing the high school kid down the street. We expect to take a lot of heat from attorneys, until they realize this ruling can also benefit them personally, while at the same time, relieving them of any remorse for the lies that dominate their daily existence."