Supreme Court Reveals Stunning Opinions

Funny story written by KRS

Tuesday, 30 June 2009


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Supreme Court Reveals Stunning Opinions

Early this afternoon, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that Stuart Smalley be seated as the newly elected Senator from the State of Minnesota. The eight month politicized ordeal has left the citizens of Minnesota with only a 50% representation in the U.S. Senate. Supreme Court Justice Kennedy told reporters, "This puts an end to the fractious statehouse wrangling as well as exhausting all legal remedies available. Now, every Sven, Ole and Olga will have two U.S. Senators." Additionally, contested candidates Al Franken & Norm Coleman sent notes of concession to Sen. Smalley.

In addition, the high court struck down the Seventh, Eighth, Ninth and Tenth Commandments. Author of the majority opinion, Justice "Long Dong Silver" Clarence Thomas, released the stunning rulings to a celebratory cadre of national legal correspondents. Citing public and political mores along with the common and routine behavior of the majority of Americans, Justice Thomas' written opinion cited the apathy and waste of time prohibitions, whether legal or ecclesiastical, have become.

"Americans have a proclivity for screwing outside matrimony, inside matrimony, in their own beds and in their pastor's bed - Commandments Seven & Ten have become irrelevant. Striking down the prohibition of coveting thy neighbor's shit or daughter or wife...well, it only seemed reasonable that you might not advertise or share with your neighbor that you routinely "go down" on every female living under his roof, excluding his cat. So that logic invalidates false witness, which most Americans know as "blowing smoke up someone's ass." So down goes Number Nine as well."

"Finally, who hasn't taken their car in for repairs, only to discover months later the new AC compressor you paid $900.00 for was actually a reconditioned component from some Midnight Auto Supply that your mechanic bought for $71.00 and a six pack? Or after making love to your girlfriend, she tells you how great you were...only to be shocked to read an email she sent her sister referring to you as a pencil dicked incompetent in bed that she is going to dump on Thursday. Theft of emotions or theft of funds; let's face it, everybody is doing it, so we have struck down Commandment Number Eight as well."

"As the supreme arbiters of social intercourse for the United States, reasoned judicial considerations deemed these druidical doctrines null and void. By issuing this opinion, we believe a reduction in the general discord and lowered expectations will sweep through America like a biblical plague of locusts. Once this ruling is internalized, American's will be less likely to get pissed off when their dry cleaner just starches and presses stains or cockroaches on their shirts or their wife is screwing the high school kid down the street. We expect to take a lot of heat from attorneys, until they realize this ruling can also benefit them personally, while at the same time, relieving them of any remorse for the lies that dominate their daily existence."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more