A flock of seagulls - 'The Seagull 6' - appeared in court today in West London, charged with 'being the most pointless and annoying animals on the planet.'
Speaking for the prosecution, Sir Barack Roomlawyer QC said: 'I put it to you, the accused, that seagulls do not exist for any reason at all. They don't live anywhere near the sea, but hang around city centres, they're not real gulls, and they make so much noise I'd rather listen to Amy Winehouse trying to sing.'
'They're not attractive to look at, are about as graceful as Gordon Brown at a press conference, and surely deserve the maximum sentence this court can give them. I rest my case', and vaguely waving and pointing to no-one in particular in the jury, he sat down.
'Do you have anything to say in your defence?', Judge Archer Jeffries asked the accused, 'or should that be squawk in your defence?' 'Yes, m'lud', answered spokesgull Nicola Sturgeon, standing up and finishing eating a bit of a BigMac she'd found on the floor, 'the defence lies solely on a breach of habeas avis. Call Mr Peregrine Took!', and that famous solicitor flew through the window and into the defence dock.
'M'lud', he said to the judge, 'the accused, to wit this flock of seagulls, have equal rights to other birds, and just because Bill Weirdie doesn't make programmes about them doesn't mean they should have lesser opportunities. Owls, for instance, squawk a lot, and even crows will peck at rubbish bins on a Sunday morning, and so this case is a clear breach of the accused's avian rights, and as such is a test case of prejudice against certain birds.'
'I refer you to the Crown versus A Sparrow in 1997 as an example, when the courts ruled that sparrows were no longer noisy pests that steal bits of your lunchtime rolls, but are actually creatures of beauty and courage, with equal rights to starlings, falcons, and - dare I say it - golden eagles.'
'The British sense of fair play and justice must prevail, m'lud, and try as we -' 'Sorry to interrupt you, Mr Took', Judge Jeffries said, 'but could we get on? I have a caseload of Irish terrorists to judge this afternoon, all charged with fouling the pavement and making excessive noise at sunrise.'
'Certainly, your worship. I ask you, the jukebox jury, to throw this birdist case out of court in the name of freedom and equality for all!', and with that the lawyer retook his seat, as spectators burst into spontaneous cheering at his speech.
Lawyer Emma Thompson declined to comment, as she was too busy trying to make baloney the American way.