Jackson, Mays Conspiracy Probed

Funny story written by tlmedia

Monday, 29 June 2009

(AP) Los Angeles - The Los Angeles FBI office has confirmed it's joining the investigation into the mysterious death of famed TV pitchman Billy Mays and his connection with the late Michael Jackson, a pop singer. Mays was found dead by his wife Sunday in their Florida home. "After all Mays was a famed TV pitchman, we have to take this seriously," said FBI Special Agent In Charge, Leslie Nielsen, Jr. "My dad was one of America's greatest crime fighters and the FBI would be remiss in ignoring the possible conspiracy," said Nielsen. "After all Mr. Mays was a famed TV pitchman, and an American icon loved by millions", Nielsen added.

Word of the possible conspiracy broke after a story in the highly respected weekly Los Angeles newspaper "The Westwood Shopper and Coupon Clipper." The paper's executive editor, Joseph "Joey" Pulitzer the fourth, told the Associated Press, " It's been one of Hollywood's best kept secrets that a special relationship existed between Jackson and the famed TV pitchman. The two got to know each other after May's efforts led to the amazing success of Oxy Clean." Oxy Clean is a household cleaning product made famous by May's infomercials and TV appearances." Pulitzer continued.

It is said when Jackson learned that Oxy Clean could whiten almost anything, he arranged a secret meeting with Jackson to see if it could whiten his skin. Well, apparently it worked because shortly after the session Jackson's skin grew increasingly whiter and whiter. It's a great tribute to the power of Oxy Clean and the famed TV pitchman, but news of this could anger Jackson's many fans around the world," said Pulitzer. He continued, " There are unconfirmed reports that Mays met with Jackson on a regular basis and gave him Oxy Clean baths at various locations around the world. He was paid at least a million dollars a year for the service. We also believe Jackson began drinking large quantities of Oxy Clean in an attempt make his internal organs white. Insiders tell us it appeared to be working, but it did cause him to suffer from mild heartburn," Pulitzer concluded.

Mays died a day after a Tampa bound flight had a "rough" landing. Mays told reporters "Stuff was flying all over the place and something hit me on the head, but being a famed TV pitchman I thought I was immune from injury plus I have a very hard head. The landing was blamed on blown tires on the US Airways jet. Mays greeted people in the arrival lounge with his trademark, "I'm Billy Mays." Observers noticed the famed pitchman vomiting blood, but this was normal for him.

In LA, FBI Chief Nielson noted, "We are concerned by reports of Michael Jackson fans with automatic weapons lining the mail runway at MIA along with the normal snipers who station themselves there. They've never been a problem so we leave then alone, but when agents in Miami noticed all of the Jackson supporters there as well our suspicions grew. We knew they liked Jackson because they all wore black satin jackets emblazoned with the words "Michael Jackson Fan" in white lettering. There was no missing them. We are investigating the possibility they fired and blew the front tires of the aircraft. It may be a longshot, but all aspects must be investigated."

Pulitzer of the "Westwood Shopper said, "The paper tried to reach Natasha Richardson for comment, but learned she was already dead from similar injuries. We also made a call to actress Gale Storm's agent, but was told she also was found dead yesterday.

The Following Associated Press Summer interns also contributed to this story; Fluffy Lauer, Pinky Wallace, Bootsy Couric, Taco Reviera & Stoddard "Little Brian" Williams.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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