Brooklyn Girl Scout Troop Beats Chris Brown to a Pulp

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 31 May 2009

image for Brooklyn Girl Scout Troop Beats Chris Brown to a Pulp
"He's lucky we didn't slit his f*ckin throat," said one girl coldly. "F*ckin muther f*cker."

NEW YORK CITY, NY - While strolling alone through a neighborhood in the Bushwick/Bedford area near Brooklyn, celebrity punk-ass Chris Brown was the victim of assault and battery by a group of girls including nine members of the Girl Scout Council of Greater New York, troop 321.

The so-called "Dirty Dozen," twelve girls ranging in age from eight to fifteen, apparently saw Brown coming up the street and decided to ambush him.

"I seen 'em out the window skippin' rope," said one witness. "All of a sudden, they stopped, and it got real quiet. You could hear they was listenin' to Rihanna... 'Bomp, bomp, be-domp, bomp, bomp, be-domp, bomp.'

"They was watchin' somethin' up the street. Then, they went back to skippin' rope, but you could tell they was bein' all quiet and sneaky, still keepin' a eye on him."

As Brown passed, another witness saw the action from across the street. "It's like they acted on cue," she explained. "Some of 'em tripped him in the ropes while the rest of em' proceeded to beat the living sh*t out of him!" They roped and bound the once-popular singer, gagging him with one of the largest girl's socks, pounding him relentlessly for "at least five minutes."

No one bothered to call the police. Brown was reportedly still laying in the same spot on the sidewalk at the time of this posting.

Girl Scout cookie sales in the neighborhood are expected to be brisk this season.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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