Written by Dan Bristol

Thursday, 1 July 2004

image for Alabama unveils Tomb of the Unknown Cracker
The Tomb of the Unkown Cracker in Duhonky, Alabama

Duhonky, AL - Government officials in Alabama and over 10,000 citizens gathered in Duhonky, Alabama today for the ribbon-cutting of Alabama's newest monument: The Tomb of the Unknown Cracker.

The monument commemorates an anonymous cracker who gave his life for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Apparently, the Unknown Cracker died in a still accident while brewing up a batch of white lightning.

"We felt very strongly that the Unknown Cracker represents the kind of self-sacrifice and courage that typifies the spirit of crackers everywhere," said Roy Tinkle, chairman of the Unknown Cracker Memorial Committee. "We wanted to construct a monument that would allow all Sons of the South to take pride in their traditions, such as getting' blind stinkin' drunk at NASCAR events and havin' relations with they sister."

Although it is not known whether or not the Unknown Cracker ever attended a NASCAR event or had relations with his sister, officials say that the spirit of this cracker's dedication to the cracker way of life serves as an inspiration to all crackers, rednecks, hillbillies, and hayseeds everywhere.

The Tomb itself is constructed of marble, but appearances can be deceptive. The foyer is papered with old newspapers and adorned with collector's edition photos of cracker heroes such as Dale Earnhardt, Charlie Daniels, and that guy who used to say "Hey, Vern!" Visitors then walk through the Corridor of Crackerness, which features a replica of the still that claimed the life of the Unknown Cracker, an outhouse, and a life-size statue of some redneck racecar driver who hasn't been freaking killed yet. Then visitors come to the Sanctuary itself, featuring the marble sarcophagus of the Unknown Cracker himself, carved in the likeness of your average, garden-variety redneck, complete with an ill-fitting, grease-stained T-shirt, jeans that come down below the crack of his ass, and an old NASCAR hat. The left cheek of the sarcophagus image is puffed out, as if the figure represented had himself a big ol' chaw o' terbacky.

Near the Tomb is the Tomb of the Unknown Cracker Gift Shop, which sells postcards featuring trailers with major appliances in the front yard, Elvis impersonator dolls, and bumper stickers sporting the slogan, "Ah done had mah sister today!"

The Tomb of the Unknown Cracker is open to the public from noon to 4 PM, symbolic of the average amount of time the Unknown Cracker is assumed to have been sober each day.

DISCLAIMER: The author of this article does not really want to offend anyone, but if I did . . . too freakin' bad!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Government, Alabama

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