Written by Evan Essence

Tuesday, 7 April 2009


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image for Airport X-Ray 'Strip' Scanners May be Purchased by Larry Flynt
The first lady walked through first. Whoo momma!

When Michelle Obama refused to walk through the new X-ray scanner at the Heathrow Airport, on a trip to visit her cousin, the plan to install these new imaging systems in every airport in the country, ran into an unexpected hurdle.

The X-ray scanners, developed at the U.S. DOE's Pacific Northwest National Lab, create a completely undressed holographic image of passengers, as they pass through the airports security checks, with exceptionally high resolution imaging of the passenger's genital parts, where the passengers are most likely to hide their Weapons of Mass Destruction.

The newly installed scanner creates a blurred image of the face, breasts, and buttocks, in order to protect the anonymity of the most modest travelers, and yet can be zoomed in for an in depth holographic exploration of each passenger's genitalia.

Hillary Clinton, who spends most of her time flying between international airports, also recently refused to walk through a scanner, when her staff determined that, by entering a secret access code, a specially authorized operator, who is in an isolated viewing room, can unlock the blurring filters, and view an unadulterated presentation of the totally nude passengers, as they parade through the scanner. The specially authorized operator can impose additional filters by clicking on icons for "straight", "gay", or "strictly underage", and select from a variety music to accompany the show...from cakewalk, hip-hop, or heavy rock...played from an overhead speaker system.

Professor of Political Science, Barney Hampton, explained "public outrage over this extraordinary invasion of privacy has been muted...in part because citizens have been literally dumbfounded by the audacity of the Department of Homeland Security's willingness to use the questionable fear of terrorism to get away with anything, such as to trash the Bill of Rights and the Constitution...and now to inspect citizen's private parts."

"In addition" Professor Hampton continued, "In an age where modesty is no longer considered a virtue, polls have shown that roughly 70% of American women, between 14 and 65, have already exposed themselves, online, in nude chat roooms. They seem to consider having their naked bodies inspected by airport security officers to be just another form of flattery."

"Although the scanner operators have been promised to be of the same sex as the passengers being examined, it might be expected that under special circumstances members of Dick Cheney's personal "Goon Squad", at the Department of Homeland Security, would be given solitary time in the isolated viewing room, as a reward for "Loyalty and Allegence Beyond the Call of Duty", Professor Hampton explained.

Porn empire magnate, Larry Flynt, the publisher of Hustler Magazine, said he was thrilled that the billions of dollars for research and development of this new technology, completely paid for by current and future generations of tax-payers, ushers in an exciting new age of holographic genital viewing made possible by this technogical revolution. He offered to help the government to recoup the billions of dollars already invested....by purchasing a large number of scanners to be deployed at undisclosed locations..if public outcry, and the prudishness of female members of the Obama Adminsitration, prevents these systems from actually being deployed in airports throughout the country.

Editors note: Evan Essence received his Masters Degree in Journalism (2003), and his PhD in Political Science (2004) from House-of-Spam Internet Marketing

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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