Ashlee Simpson Tired Of Defending Jessica's Weight Gain

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 2 March 2009

image for Ashlee Simpson Tired Of Defending Jessica's Weight Gain
Ashlee Simpson lip syncing in her backyard

DALLAS - Ashlee Simpson, younger sister of Jessica Simpson told Barbara Walters that it was not right how every single day she has to keep hearing and reading about her sister's weight gain in the media.

She said that she was fed up with all the articles and stories about how fat her big sister, or rather older sister had gotten.

Ashlee lashed out by saying that if people wanted to talk about fat, all they had to do is look no further than Oprah Winfrey, or Kirstie Alley, or Wynonna Judd.

The younger Simpson who is 24, asked how come no one ever points out that Winfrey is way overweight?

"Is it because she is the richest woman in the world?"

"Or because she is our Secretary of The Treasury?"

"Or maybe because she is Malia and Sasha's 'Adopted' aunt?"

Ms. Walters stuck her tongue out at Ashlee and told her that she did not appreciate her calling Oprah Winfrey fat.

Ashlee said that she didn't really give a damn what she (Walters) thought because the truth of the matter is that Oprah is fat and it didn't take a licensed gynecologist to see that.

Walters then told Ashlee that she was one to talk about imperfections since if she remembered correctly, she did have a lip sync malfunction several years ago on "Saturday Night Live."

Simpson got all huffy and said that it was not her fault and that she had fired her band, her manager, and her hair stylist. She also said that it was no big deal, and besides hardly anyone had really noticed.

Walters told Simpson that she was acting like a spoiled little diva and to cut out the grade school prima donna act because that shit would not fly with her.

Ashlee, who was eating a bowl of au gratin potatoes angrily threw them at Walters who managed to duck. The potatoes missed Walters who yelled out, "You missed me you lip syncing bitch!"

Jessica's little sister then told Ms. Walters that her lisp was getting worse and worse.

Walters fired back that for her information she had spent $24,000 to have her lisp surgically removed.

Simpson laughed and said, "Well granny, I hope you kept the friggin' receipt.

Walter's then told Ashlee that if she did not stop carrying on like some hormone-crazed slut, that she would reveal to the American public the fact that she has two male names tattooed on her ass, and that neither name is her husband's name Pete (Wentz).

Ashlee stood up and, with crocodile tears in her eyes, said that she had to go to the bathroom.

In related news. Jessica Simpson's boyfriend, quarterback Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys, was asked if he thought that Jessica was fat.

He smiled, grinned, smiled, and replied, "Hell no. And besides, every guy that I know would much rather wrap himself around a nice abundant woman like Jess than some boy-looking bitch like Ann Coulter."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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