NYC Police Arrest Naked Gyrating Man

Funny story written by Bureau

Sunday, 22 February 2009

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Police in New York City got to the bottom of several 9-1-1 calls about a man running "wildly" near East Jersey Avenue and Jefferson Street, minus his clothes and carrying a huge sausage believed to have been stolen.

The incident revealed itself when Officer James Madison responded to the area about 6:30 a.m. Friday to find the naked man running "aggressively" toward his patrol car, said NYC South police Detective Lt. Kendall Emery.

The man, 32-year-old Karl Artest, screamed obscenities, leapt onto the hood of the patrol car and began gyrating "in what appeared to be a sexual manner," Madison said Saturday. "And that was no sausage he was carrying, that was him." Artest's gyrations caused minor damage to the patrol car hood, according to Lt. Emery.

Artest then jumped off the hood and tried to stop Madison from getting out of the patrol car by pressing his naked body against the driver's side door, Emery said. All the while yelling something about a voodoo spell.

When Madison opened the door and tried to arrest Artest, he allegedly resisted and refused to comply with the officer's commands, according to Emery. However Madison eventually subdued Artest and arrested him.

"By this time a group of bag ladies had gathered and began yelling that he could go home with them. I guess they had spotted the "big sausage", stated Madison.

"He was still vibrating the patrol car and yelling "Global Warming! Fire Ants Getting Closer!" and things like that all the way to the station", stated Madison. "He's now down to Bellvue."

"I know the whole thing sounds like a Barney Miller episode on Speed, but that's what happened."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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