Doors are kept locked and congressional staff members are afraid to travel the halls of congress alone for fear of being attacked by vicious monkeys first set free here after the 1948 filming of the movie, "Tarzan Goes to Congress".
"once upon a time the sightings were so rare and the monkeys so cute that, when they did appear we just took them for granted," said Katie Couric, aide to Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, "but as their population increased and food got more scarce, they became more and more aggressive."
Now the monkeys are breaking into offices and Capitol Police have permission to shoot any monkey on sight. "They'll break into the offices through glass windows or transoms and steal anything that's not nailed down. People come in,in the morning and find their desks trashed.This is a historically significant building and so there is not much we can do to change all that." The head of security, Harry Callahan, said during an anonymous interview."So, the more monkeys we eliminate, the better."
When asked if monkeys actually did write the stimulus bill Inspector Callahan reacted with anger. "Of course not, stupid! Monkeys can't write! Here's what really happened. The monkeys, or perps as we call them, broke into an office where the bill was being written. See? So what they did was hit something on a keyboard and dumped all the files to the printer. The printer copied and correlated everything. Porn, emails, receipes, everything, with the title page of the stimulus bill on top. Aide takes it from the printer and hands it to the clerk. Bam! It becomes law. That's what really happened...Punk!"