Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

image for Captain Chesley Sullenberger Hired By Cruise Line
'The Mardi Gras Virgin Maiden of The Ocean Water' (in the background), (in the foreground) some little sailboat

MIAMI, Florida - Mardi Gras Cruise Lines has just announced that it has hired U.S. Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger.

Sullenberger, 58, nicknamed 'The Lucky Old Gray-Headed Guy,' gained world-wide fame as the pilot who landed his engine-less A-320 Airbus Jet on the Hudson River, now referred to as Runway H 2 O.

Mardi Gras CEO Austin Ashtabula, stated that the Mardi Gras board of directors figured that if Captain Sullenberger could land a big passenger plane smoothly and safely in the Hudson River, then running a large passenger luxury liner on the high seas would be a piece of (sponge) cake.

Captain Sullenberger has accepted Mardi Gras's offer and he will be assigned to command Mardi Gras's flag ship, The Mardi Gras Virgin Maiden of The Ocean Water.

This luxury liner is 1,201 feet long, weighs 234,567 gross tons, and can accomodate 5,403 average-sized passengers. It is by far the world's largest luxury ocean liner in existence and is almost as big as the African country of Swaziland.

Mardi Gras has announced that Captain Sullenberger's ship will sail from Galveston, Texas to Key West, Florida, up to the Hudson River, and then over to Nova Scotia.

From there she will sail down to the Bermuda Islands, and then cross the Atlantic Ocean to the Canary Islands, back across the Atlantic, and down to Central America.

She will then travel through the Panama Canal, making her way up the Baja California coast, and docking in Malibu Beach, California.

The three-month cruise is longer than any cruise currently available. It's priced at $47,119 per person, (or $39,417 for senior citzens) and that is all-inclusive and includes all amenities such as meals, drinks, seasick pills, pencils, nachos, condoms, chewing gum, and bottomless bottled water.)

Sullenberger has stated that he is really looking forward to his new assignment. He proudly boasts that he has already had schools, streets, pets, sailboats, race horses, and even babies named after him.

One new mother, Whitney Francatelli, 29, a pole dancer from Frankfurt, Kentucky, emailed him and told him that she has named her newborn twins Chesley and Sullenberger.

Francatelli smiled and then coyly stated that she has even named her 'other' two (36-D) girls, Cock Pit and Joy Stick, in his honor.

And just last week, fast-food giant Dairy Queen has jumped on the Sullenberger bandwagon by naming its newest food item, The Dairy Queen of the Hudson Hero Sandwich.

The trans-fat free sandwich is described as a half pound meat patty, with a leaf of lettuce, a slice of tomato, and a dash of bravery, between two heroic slices of courageous wheat bread.

In other news. Lindsay Lohan reportedly told Barbara Walters that she wants to be artificially inseminated with eight of Samantha Ronson's eggs so that she too can give birth to octuplets like that other California woman did.

After the interview, Walter's was overheard telling her assistant, "Ling Chow, I swear that Lohan chick is one F'ed up bitch!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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