Millions of Americans think Bush should have sought 3rd term

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 26 December 2008

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One of President Bush's biggest supporters

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - According to a November poll conducted by National Opinion Research Group, 28% of Americans still approved of the way Bush was handling his job as president. In view of this fact, NORG decided to find out more about this curious demographic. Conducted in December, a follow up poll asked many of the same questions, but included a special set of second-level questions for those who approve of President Bush's performance.

"To the best of my knowledge, this is the first time a major national polling organization has tried to find out more about these people," said Les Humphries, polling director for NORG. "We were absolutely blown away by the results."

As of December 2008, NORG found that 26% of Americans still approved of Bush's overall performance. Of this group, 68% think he should have run for a third term. Another 84% believe he would also be a fine elephant trainer, 83% believe he would be a good choice to pilot a hydrogen blimp, 78% think he would be a competent "nucuelar" physicist, 46% think he should try out to be the next Food Network star, and a whopping 91% think he is the best president ever. Some 92% of those approving of Bush's performance also believe Bill Clinton was the worst president in history, while another 36% have never heard of the Internet.

With the country facing the biggest economic crisis in decades, 19% of Americans responded that Bush inspires confidence. Of these, 83% would trust him to give them sky diving lessons, 74% would invest their life savings on stocks he recommended, 72% wish he would have been there to encourage them at their first sexual experience, 59% would place an apple on their head and let him shoot it off with a bow and arrow while blindfolded, and 81% think Bush would be a good candidate for president of the World Bank. However, only 27% would let him cut their hair.

"The results of this poll are fascinating, and it would be funny if it weren't so serious," says senior political analyst Bill Brown. "But in fact, it's troubling. Apparently, millions of people still believe in this man. Despite everything, their faith and trust in him runs very deeply." He added, "What the hell is wrong with these people?"

Another poll question regarded Bush's promise to unite, not divide, the country. 18% of those polled believe he has made good on this promise. Of those, 91% believe the separation between church and state is far too wide, 86% believe that the re-segregation of America would be a good idea, 49% don't believe women should have been given the right to vote, only 0% believe in gay marriage, and 67% would also consider Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter "uniters."

Les Humphries is considering a poll of pollsters to determine whether they feel people like this should even be allowed to vote. "I'd hate to do away with free elections, and I sure would hate to see it come to mass sterilization" complained Humphries, "but just imagine how different things would have been over the last 8 years if people like this hadn't voted."

The poll was conducted December 18-20, with a sample of 4,021 adult Americans questioned by telephone. The sampling error is plus or minus 3 percentage points for the second level questions.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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