The Gynecologist From Hell!

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 22 November 2008

image for The Gynecologist From Hell!
Saturn Willowhouse has a tattoo of Michigan on her labia majora

POMPANO BEACH, Florida - Dr. Gizmo Pellagetti, 52, a gynecologist from Pompano Beach has been arrested by the Pompano Beach Police Department and charged with dozens of unethical medical infractions and illegal gynecological practices.

One of the complainants, Torrie Rosenbaum, 61, told police that while she was up in the stirrups being examined, the doctor suddenly yelled out "Giddy up Trigger." And then a few moments later he looked out the window and hollered "Quick, everybody run, it's the Mother of all tornadoes!"

Another of his patients said that he really hurt her feelings when he walked in, told her to get completely undressed, and then remarked, "Doggone it, I've just lost my appetite."

Ritzy Pellagetti, 51, the doctor's wife said that for 25 years, her husband had been one of the most respected gynecologists in the Sunshine State, twice winning 'The Florida Gynecologist of The Year' award and once winning the coveted 'The Nicest Gynecologist East of The Mississippi River' trophy.

But she said that he changed all of a sudden the night they came home from a Madonna concert which was held at Pompano Beach's 'Preparation H Arena.' She said that from that point on he just seemed to lose all respect for music, TV game shows, and women.

She also said that ever since they've been married he has always given her a complete gynecological examination in the privacy of their own home.

But that one night while they were home watching 'Dancing With The Stars' he turned to her and told her that from now on she would have to call his receptionist and make an appointment, go down to his office, and sit in his waiting room like all of his other patients.

Mrs. Pellagetti said that she first started hearing about patient complaints while sitting in his waiting room. One tremendously overweight lady, who was being treated for a yeast infection said that the doctor told her that the last time he had seen such vast amounts of yeast was back in his college days when he was working part-time at a bakery shop.

The office receptionist, Fayetta Fayshon, 29, told Mrs. Pellagetti that a few weeks ago the doctor had insisted on giving her a pap smear while she was talking on the office phone. She said that it was tremendously embarrassing since she was talking to her fiance at the time.

One patient, Fatima Kaminski, 67, actually filed a written complaint stating that when she walked into the doctor's office she noticed that he was cracking walnuts with a speculum. When she told him that she felt that it was extremely unsanitary, he told her to mind her own business.

He then walked over to a filing cabinet, took out a can of Wizard Air Freshner, and sprayed the speculum. He looked at the patient and in an angry tone said, "There, Martha Stewart, are you happy now?"

When one of his older patients was told that she had acute prostatitis she blushed and replied, "Well thank you for the very nice compliment doctor, believe me I really do appreciate that, but where exactly is my prostatitis located?"

One 58-year-old grandmother, Poinsettia Fiddlehead, was shocked to hear him tell her that she had an inverted uterus, inverted nipples, and sunburned fallopian tubes. She said that she was so embarrassed that she ran out of the grocery store without her groceries.

Another patient, who had been seeing the doctor for almost 20 years left his office in tears. When she got home she told her husband that Dr. Pellagetti had scolded her because she hadn't studied for her pelvic exam.

A young 21-year-old mother-to-be, Tawny Finchcutt, told the doctor that she had a lot of questions regarding breastfeeding. She said that he told her that he would be glad to answer all of her questions.

And then he told her that more than that, that he would actually show her the breastfeeding technique first hand. He smiled, winked at her, and then told her that she would play the part of the mommy and he would play the part of the baby.

Viviana 'Dimples' Tantree, 49, who is a retired circus fat lady said that once she got into the stirrups that the doctor turned around and put on a welder's helmet. She asked him what in the world he was doing. And he replied, 'Now don't take it personal, but this is just to protect you as much as it is to protect me.'

Several elderly women in their 60's and 70's said that the doctor would examine them and then tell them they were pregnant...with twins. He did, however, stop this little practical joke after 75-year-old Kayla Jo Kirkland fainted, hitting her head on his welding helmet, knocking her completely out, and almost causing a fire when her blue gingham dress brushed against the welding torch."

One of Dr. Pellagetti's oldest patients, Molly Lowbocker, 93, even personally called Mrs. Pellagetti and told her the horrible things that her husband had told her.

She said that on her last visit the doctor told her to get into the stirrups and as soon as she did, he walked up to her, looked down, and yelled out at the top of his lungs, "Good golly Miss Molly even your cellulite has cellulite!" and later he did a double take and said "Holy mackerel Lowbocker please tell me how in the hell did your left ovary end up in your belly button?"

But Mrs. Lowbocker said that the thing that really took the cake was when he yelled out to the nurse in the next room. "Hey Betty, get the camera out of the top drawer and bring it in here quick, because I swear that the guys down at the golf clubhouse are not going to believe this."

Dr. Pellagetti's insults and out-of-line remarks were not just limited to his older, mature patients. He even made inappropriate remarks, gestures, and faces towards some of his younger patients.

One such patient was Hessy Millgrinder, a 26-year-old lingerie model. Hessy said that right in the middle of her examination the doctor looked up and asked her why in the world such a nice-looking young woman would ever want to get her beautiful buttery biscuit pierced.

She also said that she had to tell him three times to quit taking pictures of her groin region with his cell phone. She said he just laughed and told her that his cell phone wasn't even on.

Another young patient, Saturn Willowhouse, a 21-year-old pole dancer with over a dozen tattoos throughout her body said that the doctor actually spent close to an hour having her explain to him exactly what each tattoo symbolized.

He then told her that the tattoo that impressed him the most was the one of the state of Michigan that she had tattooed on her labia majora. He said that he was especially impressed at how one of her freckles was located exactly where Detroit was located.

In related news, the attorney general of the state of West Virginia has just informed the McDonald's Corporation that all McDonald's Restaurants in West Virginia must immediately discontinue there 'Buy a Big Mac and get a free Pap Smear' promotion.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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