New Haven, Connecticut (AP)
Yale University President Richard Levin announced that Yale University would be closing. From his campus office, President Levin said, "We're just broke! No one is donating to Yale anymore. We used to be one of the richest colleges, but now after 300 years we are being forced to close our doors."
The precipitous slide for the once-prestigious college began during the 2000 election when it became known that George W. Bush attended and actually received a degree from Yale. Requesting anonymity, a dazed Professor of English asked, "How'd that happen?"
During the first few years of being president, everyone realized that Bush could hardly speak English and never read a book. That's when the donations to Yale started to decline. By 2003, the donations had completely dried up---there was only one check received for $3.27, and that came from President Bush's father, also a Yale graduate.
New Haven Mayor John DeStefano reports that all of the Yale Library books are being shipped to Harvard College. "Once the books are removed, the campus will be turned into a retirement complex." The Yale Alumni Committee will face one final task: finding a good home for "Handsome Dan" the beloved bulldog that faithfully served as Yale's mascot.
