Georgian invasion timed to match holiday

Funny story written by Earnest A. Peal

Sunday, 17 August 2008

image for Georgian invasion timed to match holiday
Tensions rose after a Russian jet shot down a US-made unmanned aerial vehicle (shown in this file photo).

Washington--The genocide against South Ossetian citizens was timed not to coincide with the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games, but with the holiday break at influential news outlet, it was revealed today.

Jeff Shamalamavilli, who serves under the Undersecretary for Winning Hearts and Minds, of the US State Dept. and was responsible for US planning in the run-up to the Georgian invasion of South Ossetia, said on condition of anonymity, "It's about the only news outlet we don't influence. We've tried getting our Operation Mockingbird operatives to post stories there about strengthening our oil-rich Central Asian allies against terror cells by selling them anti-aircraft missiles and building pipelines, but the stories kept getting, like, one star. They never got into the 'Top Stories' section. I think readers need to develop more of a sense of irony," he complained.

"What's more, when we tried to develop a post-invasion rationale for the Iraq Invasion, readers thought it was a joke, and when we tried to build up a cover by telling jokes mocking the president, readers thought we were serious. So, we finally decided to wait till the site was down before doing anything really, like, heinous."

US government psychologist Frederick Goebbels commented, "Most readers of the national press do not expect views inconsistent with other news sources, such as television. When they receive 'unmatched' news, other than on very minor points, it leads to a condition called 'dissonance', which causes mental stress. To resolve the dissonance, they begin to examine and revise their basic assumptions-the framework into which all data is placed. Because stories cause dissonance-regardless of their supposed humor content-we consider them as a danger to public acceptance of the prevailing order."

Due to the adroit timing of the attack during's holiday, public opinion in the US, and to a lesser degree in the UK (where political satire is more widespread) has hardened into an anti-Russian stance, while the massive South Ossetian casualties have been broadly ascribed to 'Russian-Georgian fighting' rather than to the Georgian surprise ethnic-cleansing attack. The US and Ukrainian role in the attack has also been successfully downplayed.

Private sources noted that competing gag-news site The has been fully infiltrated and is now practically a joint US-Israeli state organ.

A White House spokesman, commenting on escalation in Georgia, said, "Considering that valuable oil supplies flow through Georgia in the Baku-Tbilisi-Ceyhan Pipeline to members of the International Community(TM), it is almost certain that Russia's intervention was disproportionate. If Russia goes so far as to avenge the 1,400 South Ossetians killed, or the 30,000 displaced by the destruction of their homes, the US will, of course, be justified in opening a new front in the "Global War on Terror".

Licensed members of the International Community(TM) condemned Russia after the UN Security Council failed to agree on a similarly worded statement. Members of the UN General Assembly offered mixed reactions with most commenting privately that they "just pray that comes back on line soon so this neo-conservative wet-dream can end."

Several writers have written biting satire on the Georgian attack, only to have the stories sit in the "draft stories" bin, as events on the ground unfold. Further delay, beyond the originally announced Aug. 11 resumption of story acceptance, has fueled speculation of either foul play or intimidation of the site operators.

"A payoff should not be ruled out either," said a man on the street in the site's hometown of Bristols (rhymes with "pistols").

"Joke sites never make any money. I suppose those Lowton brothers have to get their beer money somehow; Lord knows their pub tab is enormous. Or they might just be binge drinking again."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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