Barack Obama: Oil Whisperer

Funny story written by jim byrd

Monday, 10 August 2009

image for Barack Obama: Oil Whisperer

Barack Obama unveiled his solution to the nation's rapidly emerging energy crisis during a speech last week to potential voters and future energy savers in Missouri. A very simple revelation to solving the energy crisis, according to Obama, is:

There are things you can do individually, though, to save energy. Making sure your tires are properly inflated - simple thing. But we could save all the oil that they're talking about getting off drilling - if everybody was just inflating their tires? And getting regular tune-ups? You'd actually save just as much!

Just that simple, inflate your tires.

Not one attendee had the wherewithal to question, in detail, how his plan would work, as they were preoccupied with adjusting their jaws from their rapid decent from closed to gaping from his revelation. Plus, there was the distraction of many of the multitude swooning and fainting, and an aura of bewilderment in the air, then Obama vanished like a ghost before the minutia of his energy plan could be questioned.

While giving a speech this morning at the NIU (National Inflater's Union) annul meeting in Scranton, Pennsylvania, Obama was pressed on the details of his alluding that tire inflation could potentially save as much oil as all the off shore drilling, and Anwar could produce. If you are not familiar with the NIU, it represents the craftspeople who work in the compressor, and pressure gauge industry--especially the tire pressure gage industry. He had a very captive audience as his energy policy would have a puissant impact on their industry for obvious reasons.

Obama's speech was starting off as a carbon copy of his Missouri speech, but possessing the intuitive faculty of knowing what people want to hear, he obliged their bated ears, and enlightened with his thaumaturgical discourse:

Listen, you folks are smart enough, especially being in your industry, to know what havoc tire pressure can wreak on a country's economy.

Here are the facts: America is currently producing around 8 million barrels of oil per day, if we drill offshore, and in Alaska, we could add a couple of million barrels per day. But more domestically produced oil is not the answer to energy independence.

According to mine and Michelle's calculations, if every car in America had its tires inflated to the correct pressure, we could actually produce 7 million less barrels of oil per day and still get by on the same consumption, but only if tires are inflated to the proper psi.

You folks are smart enough to know that since the 1960's the population has increased more than 60 percent, automobile ownership and usage has increased more than 100 percent.

Now the conservatives and economists want you to believe that our increased oil and gas consumption is because of triple the cars on the road, and the mileage driven each year, but they are wrong. In the 1960's all gas stations were full service.

When you pulled in for gas, they filled your car, checked you tires, and checked your oil. Very simple, really. I propose to you folks, that if I am elected, every man women and child will have access to a tire gauge, and free, compressed air.

We will make big oil pay by forcing them to convert all their gas stations back to full service, yet keep the price of a gallon of gas the same.

I also propose that all law enforcement agencies around the country, when an automobile is pulled over, they will also, along with checking for warrants, and such, the officer will be mandated to check the tire pressure. And a heavy fine will be accessed for low pressure.

The speech was brought to an abrupt halt as the gauge-people ascended to their feet and emitted such an uproarious standing ovation, that Obama could do nothing but stand there literally speechless.

After the pandemonium had subsided to a tolerable level, Obama's speech, though, was cut short as some obvious Republican operatives had infiltrated the compressed air bailiwick, and started catcalling Obama and asking if he knew what the air pressure in his head was. Obama was quickly ushered off stage. The fate of the catcallers is unknown.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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