Bush vows to continue crusade against religious fanatics

Funny story written by jrbeggs

Sunday, 23 May 2004

image for Bush vows to continue crusade against religious fanatics
President Bush speaks to reporters in the new Jesus Room of the White House.

George W. Bush held a press conference in the new Jesus Room (formerly the briefing room) of the White House after church on Sunday. He vowed to continue his crusade against religious fanatics all over the world.

"Jesus told me to kill the evil religious fanatics," Bush said. "That's why I invaded Iraq. With Christ on my side, the evildoers will find no safe harbor in the world."

When asked about whether the U. S. could claim the moral high ground after revelations of widespread torture of Muslim detainees, President Bush said people who ask those kinds of questions are "terrorist-lovers who want Saddam Hussein back in power and Osama bin Laden in charge of the FAA."

Another reporter asked whether the Jesus Room might be a violation of church and state. Bush replied: "I know a lot of activist judges who want to rule against the will of the people out there might have a problem with it. Well, Jesus has a problem with them. I have a problem with them. Unless they're deciding an election"

Without any provocation, President Bush spoke briefly on the issue of gay marriage. "And, uh, what they have going on in Massachusetts is an abomination. The bible calls them abominations. They should all be stoned to death, according to the Mosaic Law."

He announced the creation of a new program with cooperation from Attorney General John Ashcroft. "We're calling it, 'No Homosexuals Left Alive.' John Ashcroft is a true man of God. Together, we will purge the world of evil."

A reporter asked President Bush about escalating violence in the Middle East. "I urge restraint on both sides," President Bush said. "The United States will continue to be an objective peace broker between God's chosen people, the Israelis, and, uh, those other people. But we have to look at the truth of the situation. God gave that land to Israel. Everyone needs to get off Ariel Sharon's back."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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