Written by Spunk Macnamara

Monday, 7 July 2008

image for Al Gore Enlists Homeless as Personal Carbon Offsets
Carbon neutral: L.A.'s Dan Smith refused car ride to local homeless shelter so Gore could fly to eco-summit in Barbados

In a compassionate, selfless and ecologically responsible move, former Vice President and environmental leader Al Gore has invited the homeless in the United States to act as his carbon offsets.

"What can I say, we're honored," exclaimed an excited Trudy Watson, a homeless advocate in Queens, New York. "Anything we can do to help Mr. Gore save the planet."

Under the agreement, Gore can continue to use his mansions, heated pools, private planes and SUVs as long as the homeless offset this usage by agreeing to not put an equal amount of carbon into the atmosphere.

Phil Dawes, a homeless man from Philadelphia, was ecstatic. "Wow... it's good to know I'm making a difference by doing absolutely nothing."

Gore spokesman James Pearson was asked if any money would be given to the homeless under the agreement. "Not at all. What would be the point? The homeless would then be able to afford an apartment that would only need to be heated or a car that would only burn gasoline. Mr. Gore cares too much about the planet to destroy it like that."

Should the size of Gore's carbon footprint increase in years to come, he will simply make a concerted effort to enlist more homeless people to continue to not burn energy.

"Additional homeless could be created relatively easily by levying a dramatic environmental tax on business and individuals, thereby bolstering the pool of offsets available to Mr. Gore," according to Braxton Winchester, Professor of Economics and Harvard School of Business.

Gore, speaking from the back of his customized V-12 limousine, is humbled by it all. "The least I can do is to give those who may have no hope a feeling that they're making a difference. But this is about more than just my personal sacrifice -- it's about the survival of our way of life as we know it." A clearly moved Gore then cast a glance at one of his carbon offsets who was scavenging a dumpster behind a KFC.

Pointing at the homeless offset, Gore choked back tears and said, "The real heroes of the environment are right there."

Gore then departed for the airport after announcing that he planned to spend $100,000 of his own money on a monument to his fellow environmentalists. According to Gore, a statue honoring his homeless offsets will be displayed in one of the five empty bedrooms in his Carthage, Tennessee home.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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