Dual Use Technology

Funny story written by Philbert of Macadamia

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

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Washington DC, April 15, 2009: The United States has always cast a wary eye on selling technology to foreign nations, especially where a piece of commercial equipment could be used to develop or be part of a weapons system. This is known as "dual use technology". President Obama has reversed this policy.

The president's first executive order encourages dual use technology here at home. In this manner we Americans will make it easier for our children to get accustomed to a worse life than our generation had, have smaller houses, drive tiny cars, use less energy, use less water, be green, reduce conspicuous consumption, and pay increased taxes. The increase in tax money will help fight global warming, ban plastic bags, protect the Polar Bear and insure that activists (not lobbyists) remain in charge of our government.

The essentials of this program are to use the same devices or equipment found around the house for multiple uses. (Much like multi-tasking the brain which has been proven doesn't work.) Here are some suggestions from the president's august Adhoc Committee on Dual Usage.

A paper shredder may also be employed to shred cabbage or meat to make cold slaw or shredded beef, respectively.

A manual paper cutter (no energy required except you) may be used for slicing cheese and baloney.

A car engine block can be used to heat up coffee on the way to work and frozen dinners on the way home from work. How did these dinners get frozen you may ask; Winter and your root cellar. This method of warming is also recommended for grilled cheese sandwiches or any hot dish on the one day your gasoline ration card lets you drive.

A flat rock can be used for washing clothes, if you live near running water.

An unused bungee cord formerly used to secure luggage on automobile trips, now becomes a line for drying clothes.

A TV set and/or home computer may serve as a paperweight, as electricity will only be available once per week. This is a bonus as your kids won't be able to watch junk TV programs or peruse "You Tube" at their will.

An unused second car makes a beautiful front lawn decorative planter (same for recreational vehicles and power boats).

A bathtub can be used for making Gin, as water for bathing will only be available one day per week.

A candle can replace a compact fluorescent lamp (CFL) to get rid of that nasty Mercury.

Other household latex items, such as gloves, may be used instead of plastic bags to keep your food fresh.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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