Ballybollox, Eire - (Reuterus & Fetid Ass Mess): A massive criminal enquiry into a criminal debt collection and extortion service has found the criminal world's equivalent of the Holy Grail, the bastard daughter of George W Bush and IRA terrorist Bernardette Devlin.
The ugly chimaera was spawned forty years ago in a strategic cross-fertilization deal to plant a long-term sleeper into the Irish Piss Process.
But the whole scam was infiltrated by a SAS mole who kept tabs on the money trail that saw the child educated, groomed for criminality, primed and prepared for remote control by her Cuban-born KGB colonel father who took on the ID and persona of George W Bush on Vatican orders.
At the core of the ten year criminal probe is a huge Caribbean offshore money laundering fund which has been funding 'Halawa' transactions where individual Taleban families' opium debts have been settled by child brides and sex trades.
Investigators say funds have been channelled from the UK and EU to a Cayman Islands PO Box address registered to former Tory Party treasurer Lord Asscroft.
Front end activities meanwhile have centred on a London legal firm that has operated under the personal patronage of leading British politicians linked to Margaret Thatcher's gerrymandering Homes For Votes.
A few years ago the principal perpetrator Dame Shirley Porter was fined a record £31 million for her part in the scam after matching DNA-positive to be Lord Levy's birth mother.
Officially the London debt-collecting and bailiff service is unconnected to the firm's shop-window activities.
But behind a screen of denial, obfuscation and downright lying the Bush/Devlin inbreed has had a glittering career - on 10% commission - to forge property/asset papers, pass them on to the Asian/Al Qaeda branch of the Provisional IRA, collect a 20% eventuall sellers' fee and bankroll the proceeds to her father's squalid Caribbean slush fund on a quarterly basis.
"We always wondered why George Bush Senior was so keen on traitor Anthony Blunt's son Tony Blair to take over the reins of New Labour," a senior Disorganised Crime Agency source said today, "until we unearthed this little beauty."
Prince Charles is apoplectic with angst.
