Miami, Florida - You can imagine the surprise Dan Wilkins, 42 (father of three small children), had when he was suddenly awaken by the point of a cold knife held to his neck while he was sound asleep in bed early Sunday morning.
Although he did not know it at the time, as he was about to be fully engaged in the life and death struggle, he was stereotypically rejecting the traditional Father's Day gift.
"We thought it sounded exotic," said Little Johnny, speaking for the Wilkins's Klan. "And we wanted our daddy to be the first on the block to have one."
Wilkins's trouble began when his children unknowingly answered a hit man's ad in an overseas newspaper for "Columbian Neckties" not realizing it was illegal narcotic talk for a type of assassination where the victim's throat is cut from ear to ear.
"We thought it was a colorful Pre-Columbian indigenous necktie," said Little Johnny, sniffling and wiping away tears.
Meanwhile, as the police hauled away the Columbian drug trafficker assassin in handcuffs from the Wilkins residence, dad, on bended knee, hugged all three of his children, telling him that he still loves all of them and surprisingly thanking them for the unusual and potentially life threatening Father's Day gift.
"I'm not mad at my children," said Wilkins, now fighting back tears instead of a hit man. "They gave me the best Father's Day gift ever: a new appreciation for life. I mean I was feeling down about myself after hitting the big Four-O a couple of years back, thinking to myself what have I done with my life, when suddenly I wake up to find a guy hovering over me with a knife to my throat. It changes your perspective."
At last reports, Wilkins has refused to press charges against the hit man for trying to murder him and has befriended him instead.
"We plan to open up a business together," said Wilkins. "Other people over 40 should be given the opportunity to experience the same existential Father's Day gift as I did. Only in different formats like for Birthdays, Mother's Day, and especially Anniversaries. It gets the blood going again and gives you a new lease on life, if you survive."
Wilkins is also planning on a Green line of Columbian Necktie gifts for Arbor Day, Earth Day and Green Peace Day.
"It will raise public awareness," said Wilkins. "Taking the issue of global warming to a whole new level, making it more personal as you struggle in mortal hand to hand combat with a hit man who is trying to kill you but also educating you on the real danger facing us all, climate change."
According to Wilkins, all the while, that you being chased by the knife wilding homicidal maniac, you will be subtlety reminded of your individual obligation to reduce your carbon imprint, as the hit man will be wearing a Green Peace t-shirt that reads: 'Wake Up. Time to Die!"
