Alex Jones Warns the Public "To Serve Man...It's a COOKBOOK!"

Funny story written by Fatima Guillermo Chen

Friday, 25 April 2008

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"We Come In Peace"

AUSTIN, TX - An Austin court has ordered nationally syndicated talk show host Alex Jones to stay at least 100 yards from the "Book Resort" at the Highland Mall in Austin, Texas. The action follows his arrest Thursday on charges of criminal trespass that came as a result of Jones crashing a book signing hosted by the retailer on behalf of media mogul Ted Turner who was there to promote his new book "To Serve Man".

Like a lone bull down the streets of Pamplona, Jones stampeded his way through a crowd of mostly lethargic fans clutching copies of Turner's book as they awaited their turn to be granted an audience with the celebrated philanthropist. But midway through his surge, Jones was intercepted by mall security and wrestled to the ground and held until ultimatey being surrendered to police and transported downtown for summary booking. As Jones was being loaded onto the police van, he could be heard screaming "To Serve Man…It's a COOKBOOK!"

The surreal series of events played out like a random "life imitates art" scenario that eerily parallel the storyline of the 1965 "Twilight Zone" episode that was also (coincidently(?)) entitled "To Serve Man" which tells the story of a race of aliens known as the Kanamits who land on Earth and promise to be nothing but helpful to the cause of humanity. Initially wary of the intentions of such a highly advanced race, even the most skeptical humans are convinced when their code-breakers begin to translate one of the Kanamit's books, with the seemingly innocuous title, "To Serve Man."

Sharing their advanced technology, the aliens quickly solve all of Earth's greatest woes, eradicating hunger, disease, and the need for warfare. Soon, humans are volunteering for trips to the Kanamits' home planet, which is supposedly a paradise. All is not well, however, when a code-breaker discovers the Kanamits' true intentions: Their book, "To Serve Man", is a cookbook, and all their gifts were simply to make humanity complacent, much like fattening pigs or cows before they are slaughtered.

The Turner book of the same title is described in literary circles as a "recipe for a perfect world". It sets guidelines for the survival of the planet and encourages personal responsibility for such aledged crisis as global warming and over-population. Many liken the agenda set out in the Turner book to the ten point program outlined in the "Georgia Guidestones", an "American Stonehenge" or sorts inscribed with instructions like….

1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.
2. Guide reproduction wisely - improving fitness and diversity.
3. Unite humanity with a living new language.
4. Rule passion - faith - tradition - and all things with tempered reason.
5. Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts.
6. Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court.
7. Avoid petty laws and useless officials.
8. Balance personal rights with social duties.
9. Prize truth - beauty - love - seeking harmony with the infinite.
10.Be not a cancer on the earth - Leave room for nature - Leave room for nature.

Turner, who is on the short list of suspects responsible for the creation of the aforementioned philosophical monolith, was unavailable for comment regarding the events leading up to the Jones arrest.

Alex Jones, however, was more than happy to expound on the debacle in a recent interview with this reporter. Jones asserts that "We ARE living in the freaking Twilight Zone, man! As a matter of fact" Jones says "life today is even more bizarre than anything you could possibly fathom in your own wretched imagination. We're doomed! We're screwed! And everyone is content with letting the crap reign down on them as they cock their heads to the sky with their tongues stretched out to Zion collecting every last drop of brown gooey goodness that falls their way. What has become of us?" Jones cries "how could we have allowed ourselves to become such gutter-snipe, sewage loving scum? I…CAN"T…TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!"

Jones argues that there is nothing new about the Turner book that hasn't already been set out by eugenicists in their own writing over the past century and cites a book called "The First Global Revolution" written by the "Club of Rome" (published in the 1990's) that Jones quotes by saying "they (the globalists) back in the 70's looked for a reason to unite the planet. They thought briefly about hyping a "Space Alien Invasion" fear mongering strategy but decided instead to advance an ideaology that the people on the planet were causing global warming. The head of the CFR in 1993 said that "We (the globalists) made this up to make humanity the enemy". They are point blank in their intentions" says Jones "manufacturing crisis and war and controlling it to work countries against each other so they can usher in a one world government! I…CAN'T…TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!"

Whether or not the Jones assertions hold any validity remain to be seen; but recent, anonymous reports about events that transpired immediately following the Turner book signing do give pause to some suspicion as a number of adoring Turner book fans were loaded onto busses whose electronic marquees initially indicated the destination as "PARADISE" and then changed to "TED'S MONTANA GRILL" as it transitioned onto the interstate.

Perhaps if Jones had been allowed to remain for the duration of the event he may have been heard screaming "SOYLENT GREEN….IT'S PEOPLE!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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