WASHINGTON, DC--It has emerged that Barack Obama is the third cousin, once removed, of over 845,000 Americans. The Geneo-Political Consulting Corporation of Alexandria, Virginia revealed the information after being hired by the Obama campaign last week.
The very large number of relatives is due to Mr. Alba Miles, a promiscuous Obama ancestor who lived in the Detroit area, and who died in 1964. Obama is also related to at least 273,000 Canadians, as Mr. Miles was at one time a "player" in the Sault Ste. Marie area of Ontario.
Mr. Obama is the first cousin of Jose Conseco, Carmen Winstead, Paul Prudhomme, Stephanie Kuleba, Carl Logemann, Chris Webber, D.B. Cooper, John List, Mike Nolan, Tallulah Willis, Stephanie Gotz and Chelsea Clinton (but is not related to former President or Mrs. Clinton).
Obama campaign manager J.B. (Mr. Big) Biggins, said he expects that family loyalty will play a major part in the outcome of the race. "Hey man, blood is thicker than water," he said.
While the black vote is solidly in Obama's camp already, the fact that nearly all of Obama's U.S. and Canadian relatives are white means that he may make inroads into Clinton's loyal base of older Internet-illiterate stodgy white folks.
Hillary Clinton is related to Little Rascals star "Spanky", but this is expected to be of little use to her campaign. She has therefore decided to attack the messenger, claiming the $200,000 consulting fee Obama's campaign paid to the Geneo-Political Consulting Corporation affected their research.
Mr. Osama countered, "This just show the desperation of the Clinton camp. It seems that she will resort to anything, as some of the ho's in her campaign feel she is entitled to the presidency."
He also said that the reason Mrs. Clinton doesn't have many relatives is that frigidity may run in her family.
"Hey, there's gotta be a reason for that whole "blue dress" affair. A man don't go looking when he's hitting it regular at home." However, promising a positive campaign, in contrast to Senator Clinton's mudslinging of late, he added, "I'll give her a little credit, she's likeable-when she isn't crying like a baby or acting like a stone-cold bitch."
