O'Reilly Admits He's a Liberal

Funny story written by Kenneth Manboobs

Friday, 30 April 2004

image for O'Reilly Admits He's a Liberal
O'Reilly at his political crossroads during his stint under President Ford.

New York - Bill O'Reilly admitted today in an interview with Barbara Walters that he really is a Liberal and that all of the conservative posturing that he as been doing for years was just a show. "It feels good to finally come clean," said an openly sobbing O'Reilly. "You don't know how hard it is to be living a lie for so many years. My poor wife has been sleeping beside a man that she only partially knew. Every conversation with her for all of these years has been faked to some extent. She's a strong woman, and she will get through this, but it is going to be difficult for her. I apologize for the pain, but I couldn't be locked up any longer. I owe it to myself to finally tell people how I really feel about abortion rights, the war in Iraq, and taxing the rich."

O'Reilly wasn't sure exactly when the deception actually started. "When you grow up, society is always telling you, ‘Be a man. You have got to be a conservative. Do you want to grow up like Ted Kennedy? Things like that. I didn't want my dad to smack me around, and I didn't want to lose face with my friends, so I just kept my real feelings bottled up. I pretended to be conservative."

O'Reilly said that he first knew that he was a liberal at a college Young Republicans meeting. "There was this one guy there named ‘Bob'. Bob always looked a bit uneasy whenever people started talking about nuking Hanoi or busting unions. I felt the same way myself. I'm not sure how it happened, but I found myself walking around Central Park with Bob, and our true-selves came out as we talked. What a relief it was to find someone that was really like me. That night, we snuck away from the usual group and went to an all-night sit-in protesting the Navy docking a warship right there in Manhattan. On the way back to school the next morning, we both started talking about our friends and family, and we decided that what had happened last night needed to stay a secret. We went back to our ‘normal' conservative lives during the day, but we still snuck off together from time to time to listen to folk music or smoke a little grass.

O'Reilly seemed unsure about his future. "Clearly, the whole Factor thing is going to have to go. Fox would never stand for a liberal host. I mean, come on, have you ever seen a more pitiful liberal than Alan Colmes? He's walking on egg shells on that show. I have been talking to the New York Times about OpEd pieces, and I hope that CNN rolls out the red carpet for me. We're going to have to build up some trust together. I don't blame them, I have said some awful things about them, but they are going to have to believe me when I tell them that the old Bill O'Reilly is dead forever." O'Reilly concluded the interview by speaking warmly about his high regard for John Kerry, Jesse Jackson, and most notably, Hillary Clinton.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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