CNN, ABC To Co-Sponsor "All-Coffin" Channel

Funny story written by ZiaUl-Hack

Friday, 30 April 2004

(New York) CNN and ABC have announced a new joint venture in the cable TV arena. Called the "All-Coffin" Channel, the new network will provide nearly uninterrupted 24-hour footage of flag-draped coffins.

"We feel this is extremely important, since people often forget the fact of their own mortality, or for that matter what coffins and American flags look like, " said CNN spokesman Mitchell Pearson.

Skeptics and pro-administration media observers were quick to point out that a year ago, CNN's chief News Executive, Eason Jordan, had forthrightly admitted that CNN had deliberately downplayed coverage of Saddam Hussein's atrocities in order to maintain the network's access in that country. Pearson, however, denied that this latest venture suffers from a similar political taint.

"There is a broad public demand for near-continuous, 24-hour footage of flag-draped coffins," Pearson said, "and we are merely being responsive to the demands of the marketplace, rather than trying to make ham-fisted political points about a certain administration presided over by someone who at some point lived in Midland, Texas and was a member of 'Skull & Bones' at Yale."

Pearson hastened to stress that the coffins to be displayed "were not coffins from any conflict taking place at the present time", and further emphasized that viewers of the footage would "barely be disturbed" by brief subliminal on-screen messages likening Bush to Stalin "no more than once every two minutes." Similarly, Pearson felt that viewers of the new channel would enjoy seeing "interspersed, subtly doctored photos" showing Dick Cheney drinking Chateau Margaux with Hitler, and Donald Rumsfeld playing gin rummy with Pol Pot and Mao Tse-Tung.

Pearson said it was expected that the new network would be up and running "well before election day."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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